Coworker politely asks how weekend was before dropping impossible project with unrealistic due date

Chicago, IL-On Monday, a generally incompetent coworker who had blown several deadlines prior and grossly mismanaged an entire project, smoothed things over by asking the candidate of their eventual wrath how their weekend was. Before the first sip of coffee of the morning was taken, the awkward interaction that would undoubtedly ruin the entire month was set into motion with an empty cordiality.

The sense of dread was already palpable as the contour of the coworker sidled into sight, casually adjacent to the end of the cubicle wall, its presence always suggested an unreasonable need or demand.

Neither had ever hinted at an even remote interest in the happenings of each other’s respective weekends which rendered the question even more unsettling. Like most office relationships, they tolerated each other at best and loathed each other at worst. Nonetheless the inquiry was made in a feeble attempt to camouflage incompetence with politeness and pacify the situation.

“Hiya,” said the coworker sheepishly, arms crossed over the top of the cube wall. “How was the weekend?” The shrillness of the question infuriating anyone within earshot.

Before a response could be mustered, a barrage of unclear, irresolvable and time sensitive demands rained down with reckless abandon. Like a swarm body blows in a prized fight chopping down the reigning champ and reducing him to a mound of bloody, whimpering flesh.

Fortunately because the soul crushing tasks were delivered after a vacant nicety, the coworker can retreat to her desk void of any remorse. In fact, encouraged by the start of a blossoming relationship.

Office pariah refusing to use exclamation points in emails

A man who was bound to live in middle management infamy and considered by executives extremely capable of showing up to work on a semi regular basis, has since come under fire for his noticeable disrespect towards coworkers. Though his vaguely polite demeanor aligns with the general attitude of the office, his emails have been viewed as personal attacks by many for not containing the obligatory five exclamation points that qualify even the most passive aggressive email as polite. One in the salutation, three in the body and one in the valediction respectively.

The intentional lack of feigned enthusiasm and digital politeness has turned him into an office cancer. Though he’s been underperforming for months and is perceived by most to be irrelevant at best, the exclamation points are what finally lead to his undoing. Vast ineffectiveness is to be expected, but failure to nurture his coworkers digital emotions  is on an entirely other level.

“His email had absolutely no excitement in it after I dumped a last minute project on him on Friday that would cause him to work all weekend…so inconsiderate,” said Carolyn Walsh firing off a string of high importance emails, that combined with the exclamation points only function to enrage coworkers more. “Just rude,” continued Walsh proceeding with the rapid delegation of all of her daily tasks.

As the indistinguishable, actionable and benign emails relentlessly flow, remember that a few strategically placed exclamation points in an email that will undoubtedly be ignored anyways will solve everything and transform you into a department hero in your own mind.