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Office pariah refusing to use exclamation points in emails

A man who was bound to live in middle management infamy and considered by executives extremely capable of showing up to work on a semi regular basis, has since come under fire for his noticeable disrespect towards coworkers. Though his vaguely polite demeanor aligns with the general attitude of the office, his emails have been viewed as personal attacks by many for not containing the obligatory five exclamation points that qualify even the most passive aggressive email as polite. One in the salutation, three in the body and one in the valediction respectively.

The intentional lack of feigned enthusiasm and digital politeness has turned him into an office cancer. Though he’s been underperforming for months and is perceived by most to be irrelevant at best, the exclamation points are what finally lead to his undoing. Vast ineffectiveness is to be expected, but failure to nurture his coworkers digital emotions  is on an entirely other level.

“His email had absolutely no excitement in it after I dumped a last minute project on him on Friday that would cause him to work all weekend…so inconsiderate,” said Carolyn Walsh firing off a string of high importance emails, that combined with the exclamation points only function to enrage coworkers more. “Just rude,” continued Walsh proceeding with the rapid delegation of all of her daily tasks.

As the indistinguishable, actionable and benign emails relentlessly flow, remember that a few strategically placed exclamation points in an email that will undoubtedly be ignored anyways will solve everything and transform you into a department hero in your own mind.