Super Bowl XLVIII came and went, and will be forgotten faster than I, Frankenstein. A tepid, relentlessly uninspiring effort on all accounts. The severity of my stomach ache and heartburn was even unnaturally mild. Any potential water cooler talk will be relegated to how mousy Zoey Deschanel looked. It’s tedious productions like this that make the following Monday exponentially more insufferable. It makes the stench of the barnyard that is the office bathroom that much more detestable. For anyone who either fell asleep or was fortunate enough to be blacked out before the game started, here’s a brief rundown of what happened:
1.) Peyton was effectively the longest commercial in Super Bowl history, spanning for 4 entire quarters and fearlessly promoting products like the Hurrycane, Werther’s hard candy, Super Beta Blocker Plus, and AARP.
2.) Purchasing a car is ALWAYS an impulse buy and 99% of America doesn’t own one yet. After I found out that Bob Dylan, Bruce Willis, Cee-Lo, the dude from the Big Bang Theory and a butt ton of villains that people sort of recognized all owned cars, and wanted me to own one, it was on. I was feverishly combing the internet trying to make the buy before the game was over. Like a pack of Zebra Chew bubble gum during checkout at the grocery store. A sure fire way to inspire sales is showing footage of a car maneuvering cones on a closed course.
3.) Jack Bauer is a damn fine American.
4.) The Chevy commercial that implied a bunch of cows were going to furiously bang at some point was unsettling and gave me the first stomach ache of the evening. Causing me and likely everyone watching to momentarily stop gorging on assorted teezers and tizers.
5.) Something about Ellen is pure evil. She seems like some kind of a monster. One that has fooled everyone into thinking otherwise by doing clumsy, lumbering dance moves and throwing on a massive smile behind gaunt jaundiced eyes. I wonder how many people cried while rehearsing for that Oscars commercial, how many cups of coffee thrown, how many shins kicked. I can guarantee Ellen has never danced off camera in her life. She spends that time stealing pacifiers, crop dusting, and dropping gum bombs.
6.) The Jimmy John’s commercial where the wife got her husband a Slim 1 for Valentines Day was immensely and deeply depressing. Only to be outdone by the dreaded Life According to Jim Season 3 on blu ray gift.