On Saturday, August 2, at or around 6:15 p.m. CT, a Chicago man is claiming that he actually witnessed an actual band playing something that sounded like music at Lollapalooza. There had been speculation throughout the day that there were actual bands playing live music at the perennial douche convention, but it was ultimately impossible to confirm. The stages had apparently been obscured by thousands of neon clad, flower crowned, drugged-out teens, and any music had been drowned out by the sounds of  violent heaving and screaming “bros”. The combination left the entire experience completely indecipherable. Bringing into question what anyone was actually doing in the park in the first place.

The only evidence we have that any band actually performed over the weekend comes from a brave Chicagoan, who has chosen to remain anonymous. “It was really tough to tell but I’m pretty sure that through my binoculars from about a quarter mile out, I witnessed an iPad, recording another iPad, recording someone instagramming the right shoe of someone playing drums in a popular band”, claimed the man. “It was brief, really brief, and I could only see it when I tilted my head at a 75 degree angle, but it definitely seemed like something. This is something you see once, maybe twice, in an entire lifetime of attending Lollapaloozas”, he furthered. He maintained that seeing that foot made it all worth it. Getting trampled, almost pissing himself because of bathroom lines, getting heckled for not looking like Selena Gomez at Coachella was all forgotten when he saw that foot.

Lollapalooza officials were unable to confirm or deny these reports, apparently unaware as to if there were any bands booked this year or not. No one really seemed to care, maintaining that the music, or even having a good time is an irrelevant component to a successful festival. Officials confirmed that the metrics used to determine the success of a festival were instances of: people blacked out, vintage NBA jerseys, and selfies taken.