90% of people unaware they are holding umbrella

Several Chicagoans got quite the unwelcomed surprise when arriving at their office and discovering that their umbrellas were covered in eyeballs, human hair and other assorted debris.  Like most commuters they had all but forgotten that they were even a holding an umbrella as they hastily jabbed their way through the crowded streets.  “I generally just open my umbrella right when I get out of bed in the morning and forget about it! Who wants the hassle of maneuvering that thing? By not thinking about it, I can keep it in one place and let other people do the worrying!” said Ashley Adams giggling as she shook some additional blood from her umbrella onto an unwitting coworker.

Several others around the office around the office followed suit, negligently shaking off hair and eyeballs much to the chagrin of the office cleaning staff. They all ended up having a good hearty laugh about it in the end. “When I saw that Ashley’s umbrella had blood on it again, I couldn’t contain myself, we all just started laughing! Then the hair on mine, it was the icing on the cake! I can be so forgetful sometimes, I noticed several audible thumps but just assumed it was the rain and not someone’s scalp!” said Allen Williams wiping tears from his eyes.

Being forgetful can be hilarious and zany especially when it causes direct grief on strangers, but it’s not all fun and games, at another office the mood was far more somber.

“Losing a massive chunk of hair that got snagged on umbrella wasn’t a great way to start the day, may even classify it as a full blown day ruiner.”  Said a downtrodden Steve Jones who was on the receiving end of umbrella negligence. “On the plus side I’ve been getting pretty decent at parkour.” He continued as several others around the office nursed varying injuries.

As the rain continues to fall, the moral dregs come gurgling out of the stinking potholes and cracks, adding insult to injury to your soaking wet jeans.

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Medical community agrees, “Millimeter sheet of porous toilet paper can prevent spread of most diseases”

It’s common practice in nearly every office bathroom interaction to gently place pieces of the sandpaper acting as toilet tissue on the rim of the seat. The belief being that just about everyone else in the office except you suffers from horrible hygiene and, furthermore, undoubtedly has an extremely contagious case of butt fungus. These tiny shreds of cardboard masquerading as toilet paper are now believed to not only signify the enormous mistrust between all humans but also serve as a mechanism for preventing most diseases.

“The answer was right there the whole time…” said Dr. Van Nostrum, expert in disease prevention. “If a delicate, permeable 4’x4’ sheet of paper can somehow neutralize something as volatile as a workplace toilet seat, think about what else it could do.” Continued Nostrum as he carefully prepared his toilet nest, readying himself for his daily evacuation.

Though the existence of any type of contagious butt fungus is pure speculation, the toilet paper nest clearly eliminates even the slightest chance of any mishap. “The possibilities are endless; this could be the end of all communicable diseases.” Said Nostrum audibly browsing a newspaper behind the friendly confines of a bathroom stall door.

Much like hand sanitizer, we can all now completely succumb to paranoia and look forward to religiously applying toilet paper to every feasible surface.

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You’re too big of a coward to wear Johnny Depp’s new stink

Hey you. That’s right you. You insignificant little odorless insect. Don’t you realize that not smelling like someone means you smell like no one? And smelling like no one means you smell like everyone…you simple unsophisticated plebian, how could you not realize that? Worry not naïve simpleton, because Johnny Depp is here to pimp his stink all over you.

Have you ever wondered what it smells like to be completely blacked out on fortified wine while playing guitar by yourself in an abandoned warehouse? What about the smell of not knowing a single chord and being unsure of how you acquired the guitar in the first place? Maybe the fury caused by this realization prompts you to buy a 5th of Gordon’s Gin, hastily apply smoky eyeliner and drunk drive into a haunted oil field. Have you ever smelled a haunted oil field? What about the smell of a dead cat that you had buried there 7 months earlier?

All of these smells and more are fully realized in Johnny Depp’s new cologne Sauvage. Sauvage uses a blend of ground up fedoras, scarfs, leather bracelets, discarded Mortdecai DVD’s and Smart Water to achieve a transcendent stench, only detectable by members of the Kardashian family. So slather up with this gamey, decomposing oil and be so cool you never get noticed.

Kim Kardashian to have both arms amputated, replaced with selfie sticks

In an effort to capture every moment of a completely vacant life; Kim Kardashian has elected to have both arms replaced by selfie sticks. “There needs to be more selfies of me, plain and simple…this was the logical conclusion” said Kim looking seemingly thousands of miles into the distance. She went on to describe different looks and poses that people likely haven’t seen like brooding at a birthday party or duck faced sulking at a Lakers game.

“Having selfie sticks as arms will give me so much more range and because selfie sticks are so timeless…this is a decision I def. won’t regret, like ever.” Continued Kim through perched lips, unblinking.

The operation is relatively simple; it involves crudely fashioning two idiotic looking sticks into the shoulder sockets where the arms used to be. These sticks cannot be used for anything else but to take pictures that are angled upwards as though whoever is taking the picture has excessively long arms. Appearing as though you have a seven foot shiny arm is one thing; actually having one is something entirely different. Kim appears ready to make the leap, having already agreed to produce 1,000 more coffee table selfie books. There is simply nothing more artistic than a cheap plastic obstruction protruding from the bottom of every picture taken with a selfie stick.

Because the selfie sticks will render her unable to perform any basic human function, save creating disposable digital waste, there will be a team of butlers charged with feeding and dressing her along with plenty of other less glorious tasks associated with human upkeep. “The Kardashians have always been about creating jobs for Americans” mumbled Kim through pursed lips.

The true beauty of selfie sticks are that they make all of your pictures look completely identical while also inconveniencing everyone around you.

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Man finds site to play daily fantasy sports

The search is over. One man’s painstaking quest to find the ever illusive daily fantasy site to gamble on has come to an end. “It almost took my sanity. I’ve been hunting for a daily fantasy site for months; I almost started to believe they didn’t actually exist.” Said a weary Danny Thomas slowly rocking back and forth in an age old rocking chair.

“You don’t just find a daily fantasy site…they’re deceptive and discreet…it’s almost as though they don’t want to be discovered.” He continued, repeatedly glancing over his shoulder.

Thomas spent most of the last year delving deep into the seedy underbelly of the internet in an attempt to seek out the fantasy paradise he desired; his attempts were mostly fruitless…until now. A tiny noninvasive banner image approximately 2 pixels by 2 pixels appeared out of nowhere and almost vanished before he could click on it. “It happened in an instant, I saw the pixel and then seemed to hear a whisper…Do you like playing fantasy sports but don’t like the season long commitment…it was glorious!” said Thomas now teary eyed.

He’s currently the only player competing in daily fantasy and claims to have millions in earnings. Unfortunately for the rest of us, we will remain only vaguely aware of its existence…a possible figment of our imagination.

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Revulsion of Guy Fieri could cause world peace

The key to world peace doesn’t lie in virtuous diplomats, global economies, or disbandment of military entities. World peace requires something greater, something capable of transcending centuries of misunderstanding and animosity. Something to act as an adhesive to every race, religion and person no matter how small. The key to world peace lies in the perspiring, swollen, sausage link fingers of celebrity chef, Guy Fieri.

In a time where even the most benign outlook on any topic will get you crucified, one realm of belief remains unburdened by any judgement. That being the universal distaste of mountain troll turned television chef, Guy Fieri. Achieving a state of universal revulsion is a rare feat, and not enviable for that matter, though through this achievement the savior of humanity is born. A paunchy, bloated savior swaddled in Ed Hardy. This messiah shall breach the fetid oil of a neglected deep fryer and use his malnourished fluorescent hair to bind nations.

Imagine if the rampant hatred consuming this world was instead consumed by the eager mouth of Guy Fieri. Inhaled like a bucket of gut busting TNT wings smothered in maple syrup. Races and religions finding a single commonality to bond over…to laugh over…to cry over…to loath. That feeling of having to stop eating mid-meal while Guy accumulates enough drool to slither a triple decker pulled pork sandwich into his cram hole is infallible…it is felt concurrently by everyone and everything.

These types of universal feelings could be powerful enough to neutralize the horrible state the world is currently in. So let the flames on his XXL Harley Davidson bowling shirt wash over you and embrace a sentiment held by both your best friend, your worst enemy and anything in between.

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Gym memberships as low as $5/month and it will only cost you your soul

The signs at the gym that claim to offer memberships as low as $5/month are some of the most mysterious signs in existence. They almost seem ominous, well not really almost, they are extremely ominous and often shrouded in a horrible web of deceit for that matter. Given that cancelling your membership involves several pieces of certified mail, a fight to the death with the gym manager and sacrificing your first-born child, what stipulations could possibly cause membership rates to be that severely discounted?

A former gym employee who has chosen to remain anonymous confirmed that not only is the contract a literal blood oath, but it also requires an elaborate ancient ceremony ripe with chanting, plague doctor masks, candles and pre-workout supplement fueled orgies. No wonder bench felt more slippery than usual yesterdaywas that a glory hole crudely carved into a 50lb dumbbell?

If a ceremony that makes the Illuminati look like the Mickey Mouse Club wasn’t enough, some of the more alarming aspects of the fine print within the perverse and bizarre contract are outlined below.

  1. Must live within the confines of the gym for no less than 10 years, or until 10,000 memberships are sold. Leaving the premises or contacting anyone from the outside world, especially family, is strictly forbidden
  2. Member is afforded a singular locker that will function as living/sleeping quarters
  3. Must exist exclusively on Stacker 2 and No-Xplode, veins will become ropes and complexion will become jaundice
  4. Working out is forbidden until ten years has passed, at which point a 5 year probationary period starts in which you are only allowed to do leg days
  5. Member will have perpetual athletes foot from 10 years of questionable showering conditions
  6. Trimming of finger and toenails strictly forbidden
  7. Must use tanning beds for a minimum of 4 hours a day, and religiously use Britney Spears signature tanning oil
  8. Must repair all clogged toilets using a 5lb dumbbell

The slightest deviation from any rule is seen as a breach of contract and will require you to live out the remainder of your miserable existence in the gym.

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Free T-shirt Fits 4 foot tall, 800lb Man Like a Glove

A free t-shirt given away at a Cubs game last night stayed consistent with every free t-shirt ever made, fitting only those of us lucky enough to be 4 feet tall and approximately 800 pounds.  Like most free t-shirt giveaways, the promoters ordered exclusively XXL’s and stayed consistent with popular free t-shirt styles. A large part of that style is having the XX applied to width rather than length, stopping just above the belly button on normal sized humans while also ballooning out 2 feet in every direction.

The shirt was made with the extremely popular burlap/steel wool blend that is guaranteed to wreak havoc on nipples until it has been washed no less than 5,000 times or given up on and turned into a dish rags. Oddly enough even the most even keeled, mild-mannered person can turn into a raving lunatic while seeking possession of an unwearable garment.

Most people left the night either ready to bury the prized gift deep within the confines of their closet or with completely raw nipples. One man however couldn’t have been happier; Derek Sutton from Shipshewana Indiana is 3’11 and 800 pounds.

“All of the shirts I own are from giveaways; I refer to them affectionately as little-big-guy shirts.” Said Sutton looking incredibly comfortable in the free shirt. “Because I fill the shirt in its entirety, I experience less chaffing than regular people, if you’re anywhere north of four feet tall and south of 800 pounds, you’ll be out of luck” continued Sutton.

The rest of us will continue not being able to wear XXL promotional shirts.

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Jay-Z to start expensive, exclusive porn streaming service

Following the resounding and unprecedented success of Tidal, the music streaming service that revolutionized the industry by allowing listeners to pay double what they would for other streaming services, Jay-Z is now making a big splash in another industry. Tidal Dong is Jay-Z’s new premium pornography streaming service, and it’s bound to carve out a mainstay in the lucrative lower half of the Apple app rankings. Right in the meaty part of the curve, where people are vaguely indifferent to its existence. The lack of downloads will be a testament to its exclusivity.

“Porn is almost impossible to get, especially free porn…heh…I wish it was easier but it’s not!” said Jay puffing an obscenely large cigar loosely held between his forefinger and middle finger. “It was the same with music, it’s almost impossible to find and listen to music, so I created an app that wasn’t only ripe with imaginary features, but also gave multi-million dollar celebrities their voice back!”

Now a seemingly aloof Jay-Z looks to do the same in what he claims to be a “vastly untapped porn streaming universe,” noting that there is absolutely no one else with the courage or entrepreneurial fortitude to do what he’s about to do.

“It’s hard to believe no one else thought of this, I’m truly blessed to be so innovative…I mean streaming porn,” pondered Jay aloud, barely able to speak through his enormous smirk “I’m trying to give people like Ron Jeremy their voice back, he lost his voice! HOV! It’s a revolution!”. When asked, Jeremy seemed unaware that he had a voice and was uninterested in getting it back if it was in fact lost.

Jay offered nothing further in terms of what the new endeavor is revolting against, however did confirm the service would be $5,000 a month and offer features like:

  • Unprecedented sound quality that can only be detected through a $50,000 surround sound system
  • The ability to view in 5D whenever it’s invented
  • Ability to stream in outer space
  • Special yacht upgrade package that filters only underwater themed porn while driving around your $500,000 yacht

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Uber provides explanation behind increased surge pricing

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Uber has announced that the entity that controls surge pricing around the country is comprised solely of high school math teachers. “Surge pricing is triggered whenever one or more person in a city is on the Uber application. Given surge regularity, we decided to utilize a group of people that excel in distributing tedious math functions that are otherwise useless in everyday life.” Said snickering Uber representative Alec Dubois-Vachon as he raised his finger with a mustache tattooed on it over his upper lip.

The strategy is rooted in mental anguish and disorientation, creating confusion around whether or not an uberX with surge pricing is cheaper than a normal cab. The torment of such banal math ultimately exhausts the potential customer into settling for the marginally more expensive option. Take for example trying to get home on a temperate afternoon. First your confronted with the inexplicable surge pricing, it’s 1:00 p.m. on a Saturday and according to the map there is a hornets nest of uberX drivers waiting to swarm. While wrestling with this notion you’re bombarded with a 1.275X surge charge sending your brain into a complete tailspin.

“The attention span required to solve such a math equation is around 4 seconds, you add in the initial frustration of the mystifying surge pricing and you’re looking at 2 seconds tops before folding.” Furthered Dubois-Vachon, still hiding behind his mustache tattooed finger.

The strategy of disheartening users into a sale is yet another genius ploy by a company that can do no wrong.

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