One Tie All Tie

1 Year: Orc or Juggalo?

Question: Would you rather become an Orc or a Juggalo for one calendar year? 
Answer: An age-old debate with just as many wrinkles, stretch marks and intricacies as a 100-year-old Orc’s sagging neck or the bulging stomach of an obese Juggalo battling with the waistline on a pair of JNCO jeans. To make my thought process behind this more digestible, I’ve broken down different categories for consideration. Clearly as an Orc you would vanish without a trace and exist in Middle Earth for the year. As a Juggalo you would go about your normal life, but dress like and live by the ideals of a Juggalo.

 Wardrobe: I prefer the tattered poop stained rags and animal furs to the likely also poop stained JNCO jeans, mesh button ups, runny face paint and pilling beanie. JNCO denim has been known to chafe and those massive pant legs pretty much make it impossible to move around and complete daily tasks. Accessorizing with a giant ass battle-ax and conch shell to blow is far more gangster than a ball chain choker and wallet chain. The thinning, split-end, dandruff ridden Orc hair looks pretty painful but no worse than most Juggalo hair. Both parties also appear to have painful boils so a wash in terms of boils.

Diet: Nothing wrong with a strict regiment of twigs, squirrels and mead. Emphasis on the mead. As an Orc one of your main responsibilities is being blacked out, thus making anything you eat afterwards pretty damn bearable. Can’t imagine how great some Hobbit innards would taste after a full day of getting annihilated on grain alcohol. The only problem is the eye stingers you and all your Orc pals would be cutting loose all the time, and the loose BMs due to 90% of your diet being booze. Any option in middle earth far outweighs 3 liters of Faygo and whatever is being served at  Hardee’s which renders your stomach similarly incapacitated.

Family & Friends: Disappearing off the face of the earth for a year to exist as an Orc somehow seems easier to explain to friends and family than converting to a full on Juggalo. You’d also probably be slightly more inclined to stay in touch with any friends and family made during the year as an Orc. Also the humiliation of talking to your dad in clown makeup is just too great.

Lifestyle: Attending the Gathering of the Juggalos slightly outweighs being forced to murder and pillage cities. Getting blacked out and looking like a hulking badass before battle would probably instantly make it onto the popular page on Instagram. That being said Orcs are pretty expendable, and there’s always a possibility you get asked to sprint into a tunnel full of explosives with a massive flare. Also loading severed heads into catapults would be an annoying chore.

Beliefs: Orcs are less bigoted and misogynistic than Juggalos, but that’s mainly a function of Orcs being confirmed nihilist.  I can’t even fathom the existential crisis I would have knowing I was just a dispensable cog in Sauron’s plan for world domination. This is speculated to be the greatest cause for alcoholism in Orcs. Though being a nihilist alcoholic in middle earth  that worships a floating eye that doesn’t give a shit about your life seems pretty bleak, it ultimately slightly edges out the alternative.