Hollywood, CA-It’s been almost five years since the final Twilight iteration joined the ranks of disposable movies played on TBS on weekday afternoons, which means that it’s high-time for an unwanted and totally unnecessary, way-to-soon reimagining. The ravenous group of Twihards have been dormant lately, waiting to pounce on the next money-grabbing reheat.
But this isn’t just another shitty spinoff, what’s being called the sexiest straight to DVD release since American Pie: The Naked Mile, could stoke the romance flame for even modest admirers of cross-species love affairs. Appropriately named, Twilight: Justice, will also be the Hollywood debut of post-teens heartthrob, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg starring as Jacob Black.
When Hollywood executives witnessed the intensity of her workout program along with her affinity towards aggressive weight-lifting supplements and her admiration of supernatural shapeshifters, they deemed her qualified to success Taylor Lautner as Jacob. Discovering that hidden under those robes was not only a champion of gender equality but also a set of oiled up, ultra-tan, hulking biceps resemblant of fully cycled Sylvester Stallone from Rocky IV.
Most of the movie is RBG ripping through the forest on all fours before shredding and eating varying members of a peaceful vampire society that had nothing to do with the original series. There isn’t much romance, or plot for that matter, in fact the only real romance to be found is between Jacob and the bloodied organs scattered after a fresh dismembering. Most of the scenes contain such graphic butcheries that the movie is currently only being sold at The Lion’s Den Adult Megastore in Rockford Illinois.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg is set to retire and begin shooting a Rambo First Blood Part II reimagining in 2045.