In an effort to cut costs and create a pizza void of any flavor whatsoever Little Caesars has turned to using restaurant stationary as the main ingredients for their HOT-N-READY pizza deal. The substance that appears to be cheese is actually a medley of loose leaf paper scraps and pencil shavings. “It’s a carefully crafted artisan chutney that took years to develop.” said Paul Serone, manager at a Little Caesars franchise in Evansville. “Combining two things that are usually considered garbage and making them look like something that could possibly eaten is a science.” Serone wistfully elaborated, taking a long drag from his cigarette.

The dough is made from discarded Lean Cuisine boxes from staff lunches combined with tiny pieces of felt that fall off the Caesars mascot as he dances in front of the store. Coincidentally the pizza is cooked in the mascot suit using heat generated from the severe chafing, when it’s  ready a hatch in the rear of the suit pops open for collection. All of this with a melted down Scotch Tape glaze to give it a waxy texture and beautiful glisten. As for the sauce, it is actually just red Sharpie, scribbled heavily onto the aforementioned cardboard. Finally those gorgeous little sausage numbs. “The nubs…” said Serone gleefully “Halved packing peanuts…”

These things combined leave you with a nutritionally barren, tasteless pie fit for anyone looking for a real palette cleanser.