Savvy investors everywhere have begun capitalizing on soaring sales of Hanes underwear during the 2015 Stanley Cup final. With each game being won by a single goal, and no team ever leading by more than a goal, it’s become apparent that national underwear consumption is quickly reaching historic levels. Day trader and Florida native Joshua Jacobs was an early adopter of the aforementioned investment strategy.
“In games that are this tense, it’s pretty easy to let one fly at any given moment. Not to mention the constant squirming and skidding as you sweat out the last couple seconds of a game.” Said Jacobs sitting in a novelty chair at Señor Frogs, where most people watch sports in Florida. “It was pissing me off at first; my boxer-brief graveyard was reaching staggering numbers! At one point I was bringing two to three spares to the bar. Then it hit me, smack dab in the middle of a routine change up, I realized there was money to be made.” Continued Jacobs, swirling the crazy straw in his yardstick glass of Miami Vice.
“If I was doing it, there had to be others. Millions of additional pairs of boxers bought, ruined, and flushed in the same night.”
Jacobs has since put his entire life savings into purchasing shares of Hanesbrand and is doing quite well. The flourishing stock is a testament to just how many pieces of helpless underwear have been destroyed during this Stanley Cup final. It is also a testament to the fact that people regularly crap their pants at Señor Frogs.
The quest for Lord Stanley is a merciless, unstoppable force and until it has run its course, every pair is at risk. Financial institutions everywhere are recommending people invest while they can and use the dividends earned to buy a few more backup pairs for Saturday night.