Love taking cozy, Autumn Instagram pictures? Need something delicious and dainty to dunk in that Pumpkin Spice Latte? Enjoy the taste of a well-worn boot? Direct the eyes hidden behind those oversized sunglasses towards the Pumpkin Spice UGG boot! UGG has made everyone’s wildest dreams come true with this sophisticated new creation. Imagine sitting around Starbucks, void of any other hobbies, and aggressively judging people. Sounds great right? Now imagine doing that while nonchalantly dunking the furry boot that was just on your foot right into your Pumpkin Spice Latte…how much more cute and chic could you possibly look? Can anyone say opposite of basic? Sinking those freshly bleached teeth right into the dog poop laden Pumpkin Latte sole and ripping off an unmanageable hunk that you can barely fit in your mouth will make for the perfect, tasteful Facebook profile picture.
This boot is bound to make your Tinder game untouchable. Consuming an entire decaying boot in front of a date is really the only way to prove that one of your listed interests actually is Pumpkin Spice. And what guy doesn’t want to be with a girl who lists “anything with Pumpkin Spice” as one of her interests? Are those Pumpkin Spice wedding bells I hear ringing or is that just the sound of someone gnawing on a boot? Goes great with North Faces and LuLulemon leggings too! You’re guaranteed to get double-digit Instagram likes on any of your contrived, manufactured, totally carefree Fall pics! Because gorging on enough Pumpkin Spice to render you completely immobile for several hours is so bae, I just can’t even.
Finally the boot is gluten-free, paleo, organic and only 5,000 calories. Fall diets make winter bodies am I right? So rip that soiled, stinky boot off your foot and nibble away! And be sure to tag the thousands of predictable Instagram pics with #UGGSINMYSTOMACH #PUMPKINSPICERINGPIECE and #WHYDIDIJUSTDOTHAT