Medical community agrees, “Millimeter sheet of porous toilet paper can prevent spread of most diseases”

It’s common practice in nearly every office bathroom interaction to gently place pieces of the sandpaper acting as toilet tissue on the rim of the seat. The belief being that just about everyone else in the office except you suffers from horrible hygiene and, furthermore, undoubtedly has an extremely contagious case of butt fungus. These tiny shreds of cardboard masquerading as toilet paper are now believed to not only signify the enormous mistrust between all humans but also serve as a mechanism for preventing most diseases.

“The answer was right there the whole time…” said Dr. Van Nostrum, expert in disease prevention. “If a delicate, permeable 4’x4’ sheet of paper can somehow neutralize something as volatile as a workplace toilet seat, think about what else it could do.” Continued Nostrum as he carefully prepared his toilet nest, readying himself for his daily evacuation.

Though the existence of any type of contagious butt fungus is pure speculation, the toilet paper nest clearly eliminates even the slightest chance of any mishap. “The possibilities are endless; this could be the end of all communicable diseases.” Said Nostrum audibly browsing a newspaper behind the friendly confines of a bathroom stall door.

Much like hand sanitizer, we can all now completely succumb to paranoia and look forward to religiously applying toilet paper to every feasible surface.

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