New species of insect named after Rahm Emanuel

A new species of insect has emerged from the filth ridden cloth seats of various Chicago Public Transit vehicles, disgustingly writhing around while looking for its main source of nutrients…United States currency. The new species has been deemed Mayortemas Rahme because of its uncanny resemblance in both appearance and general demeanor to current mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel.

Much like the mayor, the repulsive parasite spends most of its day creating waste and subsequently cramming that waste into every nook and cranny it can find. During the rare instances when it’s not shoving around its own excrement and spreading disease, it squirms into the pockets of city residents and inhales any money it can find before promptly vomiting it back up into a completely useless little piles.

The bug most closely resembles an earwig though it has a thinning layer of gray hair and the colors on the head make it appear as though it has a self-congratulatory smirk at all times. It is also covered in a thick mucous membrane which allows it to slime its way out of difficult situations. When confronted the insect will immediately recoil back into the filth and ignore the threat until it becomes fatigued and moves on.

The insect is universally despised yet somehow manages to avoid being vanquished from the city.

bug

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