Xsport, Wilmette, IL-The conversation was disappointingly audible throughout the packed gym. It had occurred with an uncanny regularity for years, though not for some time now. A relic assumed to have been humanely flushed with the protein residue caking the underside of every neglected bathroom stall at every Xsport ever. But like most things at Xsport, it birthed back through the sewage, the electric raspberry muscle milk, the tanning oil that drips like tree sap on every machine.

“When you’re at the gym there are only two appropriate things to talk about: 1.) Endowment girth 2.) The workout all those jacked ass, oiled up ass dudes did in the movie 300,” Said Terry Morgan, lifelong member at Xsport Fitness, and avid supplement user.

“When I throw on my neon Tapout sleeveless, nipples blasting out the sides, and start furiously scribbling in that tiny notebook that all dudes at the gym carry around…ain’t nobody in the world that doesn’t want to talk to me about early 2000’s Gerard Butler,” continued Morgan applying a full stick of butter to his sagging bicep.

Morgan claimed to have dabbled in a variation of the 300 workout that involved cannon-balling a gallon of NOXPLODE and doing a max deadlift 300 times. He notched two reps before blowing out 5 vertebrae but ensured that he’s more jacked than he’s ever been. He’ll continue to promote the imaginary workout to uninterested Xsport members.