Chicago, IL-In an effort to empower women and destroy the patriarchy that has suffocated an entire gender since the beginning of time, one Chicago bar is installing a Ladies Night, in which women only have to pay a $5 cover and unwanted sexual advancements are strictly forbidden until after 10:00 p.m. CDT.

“We here at Bottled Blonde are all about progress and change, and women should by all means have a bar, where if they pay a cover charge, they can drink safely until 10:00 p.m. CDT,” said Bottled Blonder owner Terry Horvath, wringing a fresh batch of slime out of his deep V-neck shirt.

After 10:00 p.m. the hordes of drooling fucking gremlins in suit coats and jeans, mentally incapable of understanding how to wipe their own ass, are free to do what comes naturally, and harass at will. “Every brain-dead goddamn chicken-shit loser in this city should have an equal shot at a babe totally out of his league! That’s how it works! That’s what these women want! They want dull, they desire incompetence! They want a drooling dullard wearing Trunk Club from head to toe!” concluded Horvath staring at the beckoning noose and wobbly chair hanging in the middle of his desolate bar.