Justin Bieber’s Fucked Up Guide to Falling in Love

In the digital landscape today, it’s almost impossible to find true love. Every interaction is shrouded by calculated texts and filtered through subtle Facebook and Instagram posts, leaving no room for spontaneity or experiencing someone’s wholly candid self. Fortunately for everyone, the Biebz has a fool proof way to discover someone’s true colors while concurrently making them fall head over heels in love with you. There’s nothing sketchy at all about staging a horrifying kidnapping that will haunt you for the rest of time right?

Below is Bieber’s elegant way of examining the human condition, gaining trust, and ultimately falling in love.

  • Style hair like Vanilla Ice waking up after a night of drinking fortified wine. Apply copious amounts of Vaseline to lips for sultry, pouty effect. Always appear as though you are on the verge of tears, chicks dig unstable men.
  • Shamelessly promote a name brand boxer brief. You think you’re going to find true love in those Kohl’s brand boxers? Step up you insect, all chicks really care about is name brand boxer briefs…screw your genuine affection, sense of humor or innate ability to be relatable…what you need is a pair of luxury boxer briefs, that’s the foundation for any long term relationship.
  • The next step is of the upmost importance. Hire an actor that’s been mostly dormant for the past decade to stage a disturbing kidnapping. The kidnapping should include several attackers wearing elaborate masks with enough physical interaction to scar for an entire lifetime.
  • Next up is spooning in a trunk of a car that smells like feet and microwaved broccoli. Nothing like cuddling while waiting for an impending gruesome death at the hands of a bunch of mask clad lunatics.
  • What could be left? How about creating a few physical scars that will last a lifetime? Roast some completely flammable rope to free yourselves while creating some scarring you’ll be able to cherish for an eternity.
  • Finally…jump out of a four story building in such a way that could only explode every part of your body once it hits the pavement.

Once these steps are completed and the hysterical crying has stopped, you can come through with the completely overwhelming big reveal…that it was all staged. Party it up with a bunch of mediocre skateboarders who have somehow acquired flamethrowers and enjoy your newly found true love that will always have its roots firmly planted in a staged kidnapping.

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