Chicago, IL – Conspiracy is afoot in the hardly ever talked about, very obscure story involving the alleged fabricated attacks on actor Jussie Smollett. While the rest of the city of Chicago burns to the ground, the country gets the pleasure of another dozen articles detailing Smollett’s bowel movements on the day of the attack along with an interview of a Cracker Barrel employee who once served him back in 2007.
And now an even more peculiar turn. Smollett has reached out to Tom Cruise in an effort to figure out how that weird Jacuzzi full of psychic freaks could have potentially screwed him too. Smollett is confident that much like in the fictional movie Minority Report, someone has been corrupting the ability of the “precogs” to accurately predict future crimes.
“You’re telling me one of those psychic bald headed kids floating in a lukewarm pool of tapioca in the basement of the White House had nothing to do with this? You’re crazy bro,” said Smollett, pointing to a Google image search result for psychic children.
Smollett said that he once took the last everything bagel on the set of Empire while one of the precogs was visiting on a field trip and this occurrence is just the latest revenge plot.
Tom Cruise has agreed to help if Smollett will be in the sequel to Cocktail II: Martini Madness.