I refuse to buy anything that hasn’t been endorsed by a celebrity. This includes the sustenance necessary to live. If Jennifer Aniston hadn’t finally anointed a brand of water as our savior, I would still be a raging drunk surviving exclusively on Dan Aykroyd’s crystal skull head vodka. Let Dan Aykroyd’s nourishing spirits baptize you and lead you salvation.

M Night Shyamalan shrimp deveiner? Yes. Wilmer Valderrama essential oil diffuser? Buy shit. Officially licensed Angus T. Jones microwavable Chicken Cesar Wraps? Soul crushing and must be bought, devoured and futilely shit out. But as my carcass lies here for hordes of marketing buzzards to feast on, something inside me yearns for something else. Something inarguably human, a teetering buoy in a sea of blue light in the age of consumption. Spencer Pratt’s new line of fedoras should do the trick.

Spencer Pratt’s new fedora line is said to be Affliction meets Ed Hardy meets meet Rob Kardashian. A devil’s threesome of humiliation, here to save those too drunk on perceived importance. The line is known embarrassingly as All Fedoras Matter and each hat is designed to make your teeth look fucking huge.

Absolutely enormous, hulking teeth planted in the confines of an otherwise tiny head which is crammed into an even smaller fedora is the pinnacle of class and style. Forgetting everything you know and letting your head melt into a poorly sewn hat is the American dream. Staring into a massive set of glistening teeth is the final frontier for humanity.