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Report: New Year New You somehow already worse than last year

Chicago, IL – The age-old tradition of unnecessary New Year’s platitudes exploding from vodka soaked party favors has commenced. Climaxing, ejaculating and hastily collapsing into Instagram feeds everywhere. Smothering aloof onlookers with nothing in particular, slumping and vomiting up a selfie or a picture of the best shit ever taken by the most special little lad to ever live. A time of year where everyone with an already insufferable social media presence tempts friends and family to pass the line from resentment to pure hatred.

With virtually nothing left to offer and a story that is already 500 mundane tabs deep, it is a logical for this person to leverage the prospect of a new year as a new sharpened pencil to jam into eyeballs everywhere. Promising that the passage of time will bring about some ill-conceived, more palatable version of yourself or humbly admitting that last year would be almost impossible to top, are both great ways to build your brand of unchanging douche.

So buckle up, because the new year and new you are already somehow worse than last year! Like like like like swipe up comment like like like like like like like like like swipe swipe swipe up. Change. Better. Change. Better. New. Me. New. You.