After a discernibly benign holiday cup caused uproar across the country, Starbucks has discontinued the cup in favor of a cup that perfectly renders the reflection of whoever is holding it. The Cozy Mirror cup was created in an attempt to pacify the enraged customers by feeding into their gluttonous, insatiable egos. The launch of the cup has been met with more vitriol than anyone could have ever imagined. Apparently having to look yourself in the eye right before indulging in a cup of overpriced coffee isn’t as pleasing as anticipated.
“I literally hate what I’m seeing…I think I’m going to be sick.” said Jill Mitchell gazing deeply into the mirrored sides of a venti Caramel Macchiato. “I’m not sure what it is about this new cup…but it’s causing me immense and consuming sadness.” She continued. Other customers have voiced similar complaints, not being able to put their finger on it but finding something extremely dislikable about the cup. Some customers have described the experience to looking at Satan himself or some other type of depraved apparition. Though the experience differs slightly from customer to customer, everyone agreed they felt like “complete dog shit” after looking at the cup.
The cup that was meant to make everyone happy is causing existential crises across the country. Starbucks will soon start serving their coffee in Senor Frogs novelty cups, the absolute only thing that causes happiness.