NFL 2017 Week 1 Love/Hate Haikus

QB Love

Ben Roethlisberger at Cleveland
Jean cargos, skechers
Saturday’s are made for Kohl’s
Sundays for winning

Russell Wilson at Green Bay
An all knowing god
Unmoved by the plight of man
Only lives Sundays

QB Hate

Eli Manning at Dallas
Damn good employee
At Papa John’s in Rockford
Middle management

Tyrod Taylor vs. New York
Crushing solitude
Can devour any hope
Decay any light

RB Love

Todd Gurley vs. Indianapolis
Welcome to Indy
Beacon of obesity
A cultureless void

Jordan Howard vs. Atlanta
A dimly lit star
Wading through oceans of plain
To a dismal pit

RB Hate

Jay Ajayi vs. Tampa Bay
Pregame with Pitbull
Grape bombs at a Senor Frogs
Hangover, dale

Mike Gillislee vs. Kansas City
Horseshoe casino
Roulette wheel cruelly spins
Revealing losers

WR Love

Devante Parker vs. Tampa Bay
Carton of Camels
For a chain smoking diva
Light up, breathe deep, fly

Alshon Jeffery at Washington
I will raise you up
On Eagles wings, through the sky
The lamb of cheese steaks

WR Hate

T.Y. Hilton vs. Los Angeles
Lady luck has died
Scott Tolzien is everything
Abandon your dreams

Doug Baldwin at Green Bay
Bio Dome returns
Starring a brand new Baldwin
Rip van Tinklefest

TE Love

Jimmy Graham at Green Bay
An aging beast crawls
Toward glory one final time
Before vanishing

Hunter Henry at Denver
Bah Gawd! Who’s music?
That’s Double H! With a chair!
The humanity!

TE Hate

Eric Ebron vs. Arizona
Owned by everyone
Once a season and then cut
Then signed, then released

Kyle Rudolph vs. New Orleans
Hobbits cannot see
Reindeer, no he cherishes
Insipid handoffs

Defense Love

Los Angeles vs. Indianapolis
The glue factory
Where horses turn to Elmer’s
Huffed by famous folks

Defense Hate

Minnesota vs. New Orleans
The Viking sex cruise
Docked at She She’s, New Orleans
Unable to move


Week 2 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Peyton Manning vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Papa John’s Pizza
Is now serving wounded ducks
Garlic Gatorade


Tony Romo vs. Philadelphia
Enough misfortune
For an entire lifetime
Finally vanquished

Russel Wilson vs. Green Bay
Recovery water
And some fire and brimstone
Melts evil Packers


Tom Brady vs. Buffalo
Public tax dollars
Won’t fund another escape
Crushed like a cellphone

Matthew Stafford vs. Minnesota
A flat backwards hat
Can’t block out stadium lights
Can make face look huge


Jay Cutler vs. Arizona
A city ash tray
Takes a greyhound bus away
To never return

Running Back:
Lamar Miller vs. Jacksonville

Saddened, denial
Sadder than Dolphin Tale Two?
Become Free Willy

Joseph Randle vs. Philadelphia
Fresh Polo undies
Defense smells stolen cologne
They’re left motionless

Danny Woodhead vs. Cincinnati
Pocket Juggalo
The greasiest hair ever
Will slip defenders


Justin Forsett vs. Oakland
A one year wonder
Meets a stagnant, mild offense
A lukewarm result

Alfred Morris vs. St. Louis
A herd of mad Rams
Turned cannibal, seek fresh meat
Ring the feeding bell


Doug Martin vs. New Orleans
Jameis, cannot throw
Jameis, cannot throw. Jameis,
Cannot throw Jameis

Wide Receiver
Cole Beasley vs. Philadelphia
A helmet mullet
Makes you extra elusive
Blonde locks in the wind


Keenan Allen vs. Cincinnati
Left for dead, but why?
Does a season make a man?
Rise! Crawl from the ash!

Calvin Johnson vs. Minnesota
Rusty parts, neglect
Performed like Transformers Two
Ready to explode


Amari Cooper vs. Baltimore
Bah Gawd! That’s Pac-Man!
Choke slam! Amari, choke slam!
He still looks woozy!


Sammy Watkins vs. New England
What is that garment?
Invisibility cloak
Quidditch not football

Andre Johnson vs.  New York
Old, Older, Oldest
Del Boca Vista  retiree
Early bird special

Tight End:

Jason Witten vs. Philadelphia
Is this sorcery?
To disobey father time
Is to live always

Greg Olsen vs. Houston
Swarming bees attack
Like Nic Cage in Wicker Man
The bees! Not the bees!


Week 1 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Andy Dalton vs. Oakland
Short red hair, don’t care
A horned frog turned red rocket
Pale skin shines in light


Sam Bradford vs. Atlanta
Return of Frodo
Kelly starring as Samwise
Serves Mister Frodo


Carson Palmer vs. New Orleans
Slower than the plot
Of Boyhood in slow motion
An arm not a leg


Russel Wilson vs. St. Louis
Receiver graveyard
Playmaker cemetery
St. Louis corpse feast

Drew Brees vs. Arizona
End of an era
Sawdust blowing on Bourbon
A stale, flat Grenade


Kirk Cousins vs. Miami
A banana peel
booby traps galore, from Bob
He will play again

Running Back:
Doug Martin vs. Tennessee
Salt lick and water
Muscle hamster is recharged
No more dirty cage


Lamar Miller vs. Washington
A flute with no holes
not a flute, a defense with
holes not a defense

Chris Ivory vs. Cleveland
A sprinting mailbox
Running into a pillow
Feathers will explode


Frank Gore vs. Buffalo
Old knees running in
Tall trees,  enormous buildings
Immovable force

Melvin Gordon vs. Detroit
Uncertain rookie
With Woodhead looming, waiting
To capture the throne


Alfred Morris vs. Miami
A team that can’t throw
Often cannot run, which is
Fantasy Football

Wide Receiver
Devin Funchess vs. Jacksonville
A type of mushroom
Flourishes in Jacksonville
Invasive species


Brandon Marshall vs. Cleveland
Geno’s broken jaw
A true blessing in disguise
The beard shall find you

Steve Smith Sr. vs. Denver
A shootout awaits
He’ll be your huckleberry
Who else is there?


Jeremy Maclin vs. Houston
Rare breed of QB
Receivers invisible
Unnoticed, quiet, sad

Pierre Garcon vs. Miami
Wearing oven mits
Hands of the finest cinder
Rock type Pokémon


DeAndre Hopkins vs. Kansas City
A man not prepared
To be the one, the savior
of a dying offense

Tight End:
Austin Seferian Jenkins vs. Tennessee
The safety blanket
To a QB that needs one
Jameis is Linus

Jason Witten vs. New York
Decline of Witten
Sadly begins in Dallas
Grumpy Old Men Three


Week 2 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterback Love

Nick Foles
Go Away! Batin’!
Loves money and sex with chicks
Costco time machine



Jake Locker
The Dallas Defense
Is worse than Space Jam’s Tune Squad
Tune Squad sans M.J.



Quarterback Hate

Peyton Manning
Hamburger Pizza
A lingering pregame snack
White pants become brown


Robert Griffin III
Nothing in the tank
Has-been playing county fairs
Just like Sugar Ray



Running Backs Love

Chris Johnson
Gold grills are too trill
Has Lenny Kravitz dreadlocks
C.J. fly away


Marshawn Lynch
Marshawn Skittles cloud
Forecast: torrential downpour
Candy bludgeoning


Running Backs Hate

Steven Jackson
Can barely stand up
Watch him faint behind the line
Back of calf face plants



Doug Martin
The muscle hamster
Only enjoys burrowing
Not running wild, free



Wide Receiver Love

Victor Cruz
Enjoys Pace salsa
Instead of red Gatorade
More electrolytes


Vincent Jackson
It is most quiet
Before the storm, and most dark
Before any light


Wide Receiver Hate

Percy Harvin
Is more volatile
Than an expired McRib
A blowout coming



Dwayne Bowe
Suspended or not
Toil in irrelevance
Bong loads make stone hands



Tight End Love

Rob Gronkowski
The bionic man
Or bicentennial man
The Iron Giant


Tight End Hate

Jordan Cameron
A dumpster fire
Nothing is salvageable
Abandon all Browns


Defense Love

Tampa Bay
The St. Louis Rams
Louisiana Mud Dogs
Sans the Water Boy


Defense Hate

San Francisco
Lunch Lady Romo
Will not be serving hot picks
This is not Dallas


Fantasy Football Week 1 Love/Hate Haiku

Quarterback Love

Jay Cutler
Menthols are packed
Yellowed fingers throw touchdowns
The Bills, his ashtray


Matthew Stafford
Buckets of Bud Light
Ninety-proof touchdowns
Destroy all of the shotskis


Quarterback Hate

Tony Romo
Tragedy begins
Romo, star-crossed lover
Cursed from the start


Philip Rivers
The Bolo necktie
Can only save so many
Rivers is not one


Running Backs Love

Toby Gerhart
Slow burning candle
A plodding gym rat shall rise
You can’t teach volume


Ben Tate
No more Arian
Browns passing incompetence
Will pay dividends


Running Backs Hate

Maurice Jones Drew
Pocket Hercules
An ancient Polly Pocket
But more frustrating


Arian Foster
He has bird like bones
His hamstring is wet cardboard
Everything will break


Wide Receiver Love

Wes Welker (if he plays)
Is the Great Gazoo
Wes Welker bobblehead day
Happens everday


Miles Austin
The quads of a god
According to Collinsworth
Could crush a diamond


Wide Receiver Hate

Danny Amendola
Glass menagerie
The NFL’s Bubble Boy
Except less funny


Eric Decker
High, low, at the toes
Hook, shank, has already sank
Geno not Peyton


Tight End Love

Martellus Bennett
Nuclear Mickey
Will become Super Saiyan
And rule galaxies


Tight End Hate

Antonio Gates
Is now elderly
Crossword puzzles and Werther’s
Friday night bingo


Defense Love

Bear necessities
Stealing all picnic baskets
Eat all the honey


Defense Hate

Never trust Detroit
Except Kid Rock halftime shows
and frat boy Stafford


Love/Hate Haikus Week 9

Week 9 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus
There is nothing in this world that causes more gut rot and heartache than when your opponent’s quarterback throws a touchdown to a receiver owned by that same despicable lout. There’s always a brief moment of denial, as you sheepishly slink into your Yahoo account, thinking that maybe you remembered things differently. What you see is as eye stinging as that stench awakened when you slip on that inconsiderately left dog log lounging in a grass hammock.  Just when you thought the indignation had reached its climax, you get a text with something like “hollllyyyyyy” or “Wow, officially transcended football” Your head and ring piece simultaneously erupt and you call it a Sunday.

Quarterbacks Love
Jake Locker
Broken hips galore
Delicate bones increase speed
Grandpa has an arm

Terrel Pryor
Ohio State Grad.
Will get a car if he wins
Just like in college

Aaron Rodgers
Always hung-over
Extra on the Walking-Dead
Zombies can play too


Quarterbacks Hate:
Joe Flacco
Loves the Mighty Wing
Pregame case of bubble guts
The runs cause bad play

Tom Brady
Looks good but plays bad
Like movies with Taylor Kitsch
Do not act again


Michael Vick
Hamstrings are sawdust
Or a spaghetti noodle
A soaked french-fry 

Running Backs Love
Danny Woodhead
A tiny white sprite
Is going through puberty
Will become a man

Chris Ivory
Thermal imaging
An elite hunter will rise
All aliens die


Darren Sproles
Pygmy Running back
Galloping across the field
A majestic thing

Running Backs Hate
Deangelo Williams
One cannot score points
Without first getting the ball
Start no one but Cam

Benjarvus Green-Ellis
A sketchy law firm
Worse than that of Saul Goodman
Public Defender

Trent Richardson
If you need one yard
I’ll get you one, you need two?
I’ll still get you one

Wide Receivers Love
T.Y. Hilton
A teammate goes down
Another has stones for hands
It is now his turn


Denarious Moore
An awful defense
Combined with mild talent
Touchdowns will be had

Wide Receivers Hate
Torrey Smith
One does not simply
Score points against Joe Haden
Worse than Sauron’s eye

Danny Amendola
Plays like Greg Oden
Which means doesn’t play at all
A man made of glass

Defense Love
Is Kellen Clemens
An actual real person?
Pick sixes abound


Defense Hate
Matty Ice can throw
Falcons will always frighten
Roddy could be back