Hollywood, CA-Outrage is a default emotion at this point for humanity, a resting state of fury and frustration ready to pulverize anything with even the slightest scent of creative expression. Most notably were the recent protests surrounding the movie Paddington 2, in which a friendly talking bear became a messiah for communism and a champion for Joseph Stalin by wearing a red hat.
With outrage perpetually spewing forth like last night’s Taco Bell, it can difficult to distinguish a salvageable nacho chip from the generalized pile of guts and filth. For the record, accusing a fictitious, rain boot wearing bear of being a bastard communist is legitimate outrage.
However an even more contemptuous movie is now under the same fire from an array of different activist groups. Universal Studios announced that it will be remaking the movie Bridesmaids even though it is only 7 years old. The catch? Larry the Cable Guy has been cast as every character. Men and Women’s rights groups have formed an unlikely united protest.
“Unfortunately Larry the Cable Guy should only be cast as 1/3 of the characters in any given movie, it’s an important bylaw written in our very logical, not at all overcompensating or unfounded Men’s Rights Bible,” said prominent men’s rights activist Terry Mitchell, as he crawled serpentine up the basement stairs for his mom to spoon feed him Pizza Rolls.
Women’s rights activists agreed on that oddly specific stipulation while also noting that really nothing in this world deserves to suffer the burden of Larry the Cable Guy, especially an objectively hilarious movie.
So come see the remake of Bridesmaids this summer where Larry the Cable Guy will Git Er Done in full bridal attire! Hilarious!
Recent speculation that the script for Interstellar was written by Matthew Mcconaughey and Anne Hathaway during an acid fueled drum circle at a Phish show have been confirmed. The gaping plot holes, relentless endorsement of the goodness in humanity, and obsession with inception space-time continuums wreaked of the tailgate lots outside of a Alpine Valley. A place where 99% of the discussions involve conjectures such as “What if like…there was a universe…on our fingernail…and like…another universe on someone’s fingernail inside that universe….” Mcconaughey signaling Morse Code whilst wading through a visual representation of multiple time dimensions all but confirmed any lingering suspicion.
Hathaway explained that shortly after taking a sheet of blotter acid, during a 114 minute version of Bathtub Gin, she spoke with someone she believed was Stephen Hawking. A drum circle ensued. “He seemed really smart, he explained the entire plot to Matthew and I telepathically. He was really good at playing drums.” Reports have confirmed that Stephen Hawking was no where near the venue at the time, nor has he ever attended a Phish show, or is aware of Phish’s existence. Witnesses saw Mcconaughey and Hathaway engaged in a lengthy, tear filled stare off with a tan Lincoln Navigator during the same 114 minute version of Bathtub Gin.
All Is Lost
Rotten Tomatoes: 93%
Watching All Is Lost is equivalent to listening to the painful laboring of an elderly patron debating whether to leave a 6.5% or 7% tip after promptly finishing “brunch” by 8:30 a.m. at a local pancake house. Decaf coffee, a bowl of bran flakes with skim milk, several crosswords and one and a half hour later they decide to leave 6% because the waiter seemed like he was madder than a wet hen around the 7th coffee refill. The tip is left in 2 dollar bills with a Werther’s on top.
All Is Lost embodies this prodigious boredom. Watching Robert Redford aimlessly linger around his ship that is lost at sea with absolutely no urgency or purpose is a chore in the truest sense of the word. He may as well have been wading in a lukewarm jacuzzi, enjoying a matinee magic show on a retiree-only cruise ship…touring different stamp collection museums around Florida. At one point a storm rolls in, the prospect of something exciting happening is paralyzing. It stirs you from your half asleep stupor. Then…as with the rest of the movie the momentum is quietly neutralized. Instead of hauling ass around the boat, batting down the hatches, Redford instead sips a glass of whiskey like his morning prune juice and delicately shaves what appear to be ultra soft and very well maintained grandpa whiskers. He moves with the urgency of a three toed sloth who just ate a handful of Xanaxes and has been given access to an overstuffed couch.
I bet the jeans he was wearing in the movie were cotton and not denim. Judging by the way he shuffled his feet across the carpeted vessel, he was clearly wearing orthopedic inserts. Maybe those had something to do with the pacing of it all. I struggled about halfway through the movie before succumbing to the crippling boredom. Wiping the cob webs that had somehow gathered on the remote and changing the channel to Frasier re-runs. The idea that this was somehow Oscar nominated is more mind-blowing than the existence of the Flatizza.
Rotten Tomatoes: 49%
Escape Plan is the true definition of a buddy comedy. The greatest part is the audience isn’t even included on most of the jokes. Both Sly Stallone and Arnold go into full subtitle mode. I would imagine any other actors on the set were completely unaware of when scenes started or ended, they just had to simply wait for the bizarre inaudible exchanges between the two to end. It’s endearing all the same though and most of the times other characters narrate exactly what is happening in both the plot of the movie and the relationship between Arnold and Sly, so it’s relatively easy to follow. The director really did his homework on what it’s like to be in prison, which from what I can tell involves eating lunch, surveying the facilities for weaknesses, and making friends. The whole time it seemed like the movie was self-aware though, that it was essentially a parody which was appreciated.
Two scenes in the movie were absolutely crucial in terms of classic action movie moments. One is when Arnold rips a mounted .50 caliber helicopter gun off of its stand and lays waste to around a hundred nameless henchmen. One would assume the stand is there for stability and to increase accuracy however not in this case. Once wrapped in Arnold’s massive biceps it became deadly accurate and somehow easier to use (judging by the cool expression on Arnold’s face). Literally every single bullet rendered exploded brains everywhere. Another scene involved Sly hanging onto a rope ladder, yoked out of his mind, taking heat from an AK and not being the least bit phased. Knowing that he couldn’t get a bad-ass looking head shot on the man that had trapped him, he did the next best thing…blow up an enormous stash of conveniently and hastily placed oil drums. The movie could have used a lot more greased up Sly training moments but in this day and age you can’t have it all.
The relationship between Denny’s and the Hobbit franchise has always been somewhat of a conundrum. On paper the two frankly have very little in common. Demographically Denny’s generally caters to only the most feeble of elderly or drunken college frat bros depending on the city. The Hobbit franchise, conversely, generally targets people over the age of thirty that still live with their parents. Nevertheless this profound and beautiful relationship was formed. A transcendent collaboration. A culinary vision that has truly revolutionized the way that we see and experience food. The menu can be seen below, and below that is a list of items that unfortunately didn’t make the cut this time around. These are certainly holstered for the third Hobbit installment:
1.) Gandalf’s Magical Staff- A butt ton of, 40% filler, hot dogs meticulously crafted to look exactly like Gandalf’s worn, old and wrinkled oak staff. Each hot dog is cooked to perfection to get the identical creased and dry look of a wizard’s staff. The adhesive used to fuse these dogs is a combination of cupcake frosting and tree sap. Find the wizard inside of you!
2.) The Orc Loaf- A steaming hot loaf of dark brown rye bread, smothered with lard and deep fried. Stuffed to the brim with vodka, ground chuck, twigs, assorted rabbit parts, and varying furs. Topped with a heaping pile of walnuts to give it a nutty aroma. High in protein and incredibly rich in fiber…Let the invasion of your stomach begin!
3.) Gollum’s Angel Haired Pasta- A petite portion of pasta that contains roughly the same amount of noodles as there are hairs on Gollum’s head. Each noodle is just as thin, fragile, and grainy as his hair as well. The pasta is drenched in soy sauce to represent the darkness and saltiness. In fact when approached by a fork, each follicle of pasta generally shatters into a million tiny pieces, like Gollum’s nutrient deprived hair. Served with your choice of raw cod or chicken bones…very rustic and gamey!
4.) Sauron’s Brown Eye- 8 wagon wheel sized pancakes served on an enormous stone skillet. Every pancake is doused with red and orange dye to represent the fieriness of the eye. Siracha and ghost peppers are then added to all of the batter, to increase the fury of this meal. With an enormous row of jager soaked black licorice right down the middle! Sauron’s eye will forever be present in your memory, but only present in your stomach momentarily.