The relationship between Denny’s and the Hobbit franchise has always been somewhat of a conundrum. On paper the two frankly have very little in common. Demographically Denny’s generally caters to only the most feeble of elderly or drunken college frat bros depending on the city. The Hobbit franchise, conversely, generally targets people over the age of thirty that still live with their parents. Nevertheless this profound and beautiful relationship was formed. A transcendent collaboration. A culinary vision that has truly revolutionized the way that we see and experience food. The menu can be seen below, and below that is a list of items that unfortunately didn’t make the cut this time around. These are certainly holstered for the third Hobbit installment:
1.) Gandalf’s Magical Staff- A butt ton of, 40% filler, hot dogs meticulously crafted to look exactly like Gandalf’s worn, old and wrinkled oak staff. Each hot dog is cooked to perfection to get the identical creased and dry look of a wizard’s staff. The adhesive used to fuse these dogs is a combination of cupcake frosting and tree sap. Find the wizard inside of you!
2.) The Orc Loaf- A steaming hot loaf of dark brown rye bread, smothered with lard and deep fried. Stuffed to the brim with vodka, ground chuck, twigs, assorted rabbit parts, and varying furs. Topped with a heaping pile of walnuts to give it a nutty aroma. High in protein and incredibly rich in fiber…Let the invasion of your stomach begin!
3.) Gollum’s Angel Haired Pasta- A petite portion of pasta that contains roughly the same amount of noodles as there are hairs on Gollum’s head. Each noodle is just as thin, fragile, and grainy as his hair as well. The pasta is drenched in soy sauce to represent the darkness and saltiness. In fact when approached by a fork, each follicle of pasta generally shatters into a million tiny pieces, like Gollum’s nutrient deprived hair. Served with your choice of raw cod or chicken bones…very rustic and gamey!
4.) Sauron’s Brown Eye- 8 wagon wheel sized pancakes served on an enormous stone skillet. Every pancake is doused with red and orange dye to represent the fieriness of the eye. Siracha and ghost peppers are then added to all of the batter, to increase the fury of this meal. With an enormous row of jager soaked black licorice right down the middle! Sauron’s eye will forever be present in your memory, but only present in your stomach momentarily.