Roseanne returns, starring Steve Harvey as Roseanne

Hollywood, CA-After a disgraceful exit from network television, ABC executives met last week to discuss the future of Roseanne. In the meeting it was determined that the cardboard palettes of American’s dumb enough to watch network television needed to be cleansed. Washed over with another reheated, cereal bowl of skim milk and chased with a fistful equally hot cantaloupe innards.

It was time to truly show the country what the network stood for and create something that the country as a whole could cherish and call their own.

Enter Roseanne 2, ABC’s newest and most ambitious endeavor yet.

Roseanne 2 is set to launch next week and will star the only man 100% of American’s trust, Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey will star as Roseanne and, as such, has agreed to undergo a scalp replacement surgery with the real Roseanne Barr in an effort to capture the true essence of the character. Similar to the surgery seen in the movie Face Off, but fortunately limited to scalps only.

The horrifying monstrosity that is born will undoubtedly unite the nation with zany hijinks. Watch at Steve Harvey wheels around New York City on a Segway made out of deli meat pegging people in the face with full cans of Mountain Dew Code Red and drawing caricatures of rat families by the peer. And once a week, he’ll play a solo game of Russian roulette with a t-shirt cannon full of garlic knots from Sbarro.

So tune in now, because you can’t even wipe your own ass!

Rosanne proves she’s not racist by signing up to play Blade in an off Broadway adaptation

Hollywood, CA-Yesterday, the nutrient deprived, loose bowel movement of ignorance that Rosanne Barr managed to squirt out of her hate filled heart provided enough lubrication to send her entire steaming hot coil of a show into the eternal depths of an unmarked porta-potty in Northern Indiana.

Rosanne now begins her redemption tour. And the only thing that can bring someone back from the depths of ignorance and hatred is performing as a beloved, day-walking human hybrid who only hates one thing…vampires.

“Much like my show and myself, it will all be very tastefully done, the script itself was actually written by the kid from Two and a Half Men, very beautiful stuff!” said Rosanne, taking a discreet pull from a can of spray paint in a baby pool made of deli meat.

Her inability to comprehend that this is a terrible idea disappearing into the air with intermittent fart streams.

“Once I play Blade in the musical remake, all will be forgiven. Blade transcends race and his hatred of vampires is as patriotic as it gets! The country will have no choice but to forgive me for my obliviousness and ignorance!” continued Rosanne, slyly adjusting a pair of athletic sunglasses.

We are all witnesses to humanity’s final plunge into madness and despair.

CBS launches Younger Sheldon starring Ryan Seacrest

Hollywood, CA-CBS has noticed the collective swollen jaw of content consumers hanging slack and dribbling the lukewarm tapioca they’ve been fattened with their entire lives. In an effort to scoop up the half chewed pudding and shove it back into their lifeless cram hole, CBS has created a series of inception spin offs, the most recent offering is called Younger Sheldon.

Younger Sheldon documents the life of Sheldon Cooper when he was even younger than Young Sheldon, because there is nothing more hilarious than a show completely reliant on the age of its characters.

Younger Sheldon, played by Chicago Kardashian-West and voiced by Ryan Seacrest, documents the trials and tribulations of being an insufferable jerk at only several weeks old as two grown adults document every single dump you’ve ever taken on all social media outlets.

Watch as Ryan Seacrest huffs nitrous balloons and makes baby noises that are poorly dubbed over the completely motionless mouth of Kardashian-West!

Hearts will be warmed when a homeless man sacrifices his life to save Sheldon after his parents accidentally left him in the gorilla pen at the zoo! And laughs will be had after Sheldon’s dad takes a massive shit on the living room floor after drinking an entire 5th of Jim Beam and blames it on baby Sheldon!

Tune in Wednesday’s at 4:30 a.m. after reruns of Will My Junk Fit? One man’s journey across the world to see where and what he can cram his junk into.

Lifetime channel presents: Married at First Glory Hole

Hobart, Indiana-Lifetime channel has been answering the questions that absolutely no one is asking about for the last decade. Questions like: Will someone desperate enough for marginal reality television fame go through with an inconsequential wedding with someone they’ve never seen before? and Where is the brink of human loneliness? Everyone assumed that Married at First Sight answered these, but apparently the human condition is far more depraved than originally anticipated.

Married at First Glory Hole is a new Lifetime original series which documents two complete strangers whose only interactions occur through a glory hole carved into a bathroom at a Long John Silvers in Northern Indiana. Over 14 weeks the two will navigate the complicated and death defying dance that people experience when flirting with the idea of putting their junk through a crudely fashioned glory hole.

Lifetime will provide glory hole experts to help the perspective couple along the way, with counseling sessions and advice to boot. In the final episode, if true love exists, there is the option to stick your finger through the hole and receive an engagement ring from the other party and a bathroom attendant will marry them on the spot.

Will it be a finger through the hole in the end or something else? Could a bathroom in Northern Indiana be the perfect place to meet and date someone? Find out on Married at First Glory Hole, premiering next week after reruns of Did I Shard Myself?

The Bachelor: Fleshlight Island

Next season the Bachelor is getting a sexy, mischievous makeover that will rouse the brain dead regular viewers from their passive stupor. Watch as a filth ridden island several hundred feet from the northern Indiana border is turned into an erotic paradise for the returning bachelor Juan Pablo to embarrassingly bask, prance and flex on. But that’s not all…this season something different happens. Something that will change the Bachelor landscape for years to come. The inevitable evolution of the show fully realized in all-encompassing loneliness. The women on the show will be replaced with Fleshlights and Smart TVs equipped with premium subscriptions to PornHub.

The usual mind numbing nature of the show will be ratcheded up tenfold as a vastly incompetent Juan Pablo sheepishly flirts with the different inanimate objects while trying to decide on which device he’ll spend the rest of his life with. There will be those memorable romantic moments, hilarious banter and who could forget…DRAMA! The show will depict the growing reliance on synthetic stimulation and the isolation it is causing among us…but in a super fun way! Watch as Juan Pablo awkwardly navigates meeting the parents of a quaint midwestern fleshlight and when he decides another is special enough to bring up to the honeymoon suite for a night of carnal gluttony. With each device being more interesting than the bachelor himself…who is he to choose?!

So tune in to the hottest new reality television show that critics are calling “A completely sickening glimpse into how egotistical and self-gratifying we’ve all become,” “Oddly void of any sexuality” and “Degrading to fleshlights worldwide” Watch The Bachelor: Fleshlight Island, Tuesdays on ABC at 3:00 a.m. immediately following reruns of Dr. Ken.

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CBS’s newest original overindulgent, white American comedy: Matt and Mallory

The executives at CBS have quickly determined that they are losing the pulse of America with Mike and Molly and have agreed the show needs an overhaul to be more relatable to the general public. The spinoff Matt and Mallory (starring celebrity chef Guy Fieri in his first ever comedy series) will focus on the neighbors of Mike and Molly who are not only battling with their weight, but also their all-consuming bigotry.

This light hearted romp for the whole family will have episodes that primarily revolve around dwindling race relations and the depressing reality of widespread intolerance that can go blatantly unnoticed. Watch as Matt and Mallory hilariously feed each other’s paranoia and backwards ideologies until they’re an insufferable burden on absolutely everyone they know…including themselves! All the while accruing insurmountable credit card debt and setting the foundation for an ugly divorce. ZOING!

Memorable episodes include Matt accidentally getting stuck in a voting booth after slipping on a mayo soaked patty that fell out of his Wendy’s order. Matt spends the episode writhing in pain from a blown ankle as he slowly climbs the voting machine. Will he make it in time to cast a vote for his favorite candidate Donald Trump?! Hilarious! Or when Mallory makes careless, uninformed generalizations about entire cultures at a PTA meeting…right before ripping a big fart! OOPS! Arghoooga!

You’ll laugh, you’ll scream, you’ll cry…well mainly cry. So tune in now to the show that critics are calling “A completely terrifying look at the rapid decay of humanity,” “Vomit inducing on every level,” and “We desperately need something to change,”  Sundays at 4:00 a.m. immediately following Life According to Jim.

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CBS newest original comedy 2 Broke Guys

CBS’s newest, absolutely never been done before, groundbreaking comedy is called 2 Broke Guys. The series chronicles two guys that come from different circumstances but are now hopelessly and comically impoverished. Matt Reynolds (Jason Biggs) and Terry Lopito (Frankie Muniz) work at a small town diner where they experience varying forms of hilarious harassment and perplexing workplace inequality. But they’ll stomach it all for the opportunity to pursue their dreams of opening up their very own Dave and Buster’s franchise.

On the road to realizing their lifelong dream there are friends made and lost, tragic family deaths, and zany schemes that could result in lengthy prison sentences! Comedy for any age and any walk of life! One episode involves Reynolds walking in on Lopito while he’s beating his meat, the hilarious awkwardness and complete debilitating vulnerability will be the talk of the office on Monday! Another episode documents Lopito struggling with the idea that he might be sterile and that his existence will be promptly forgotten after a sparsley attended funeral. Comedic genius! To cheer him up Reynolds farts in a patron’s clam chowder at the diner, causing the patron to pass out so they can steal tickets to an Alien Ant Farm cover band concert. Just two wacky dudes having fun on a budget!

Critics are calling the show “As  objectifying as 2 Broke Girls,” “Strangely depressing for a comedy” and “A huge step back for humanity as a whole,” so check out 2 Broke Guys on Sundays at 2:00 a.m.

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Newest NBC original drama: Chicago Transit

The recent success of unremarkable Chicago based television shows like Chicago P.D. and Chicago Fire hasn’t gone unnoticed by NBC executives, and they’ve decided to push the limits of mediocrity to the brink with the newest drama, Chicago Transit. Chicago Transit follows retired train conductor Bill Biscane played by Ice-T, who is drawn back into driving Brown Line trains after an employee takes maternity leave. But what happens when he returns to the life he thought he had finally escaped? Will the incident that drove him into retirement continue to haunt him? Can his nerves hold up under the pressure of driving a moderately slow train full of customers with no expectations of punctuality? All of the questions and more are promised to be answered on Chicago Transit.

“We saw an opportunity to capitalize on the gritty life experienced by employees of the Chicago Transit Authority, the show practically writes itself” said NBC executive Steve Martucci.

Episodes include gripping plot twists like when a Brown Line is rerouted to the Red Line tracks because of construction. Eye opening discoveries like where the Pink Line actually goes. The joys of inexplicably turning the train into an Express, seeing the disappointed faces on a packed platform and the pain that comes with driving what is effectively a human toilet. Plus, the incident that changed it all…the haunting moment in which Biscane accidentally drove a Brown Line straight to Linden.

Critics have described Chicago Transit as “Heartbreakingly ordinary,” “As frustrating as actually riding Chicago public transit” and “Completely unnecessary”. So be sure to tune in to America’s newest #1 public transit themed drama.

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True Detective Season 3 cast: Jason Biggs, Cedrick the Entertainer, John Cena, Zooey Deschanel and Air Bud Executive Producer: Randy Jackson

After an immensely successful second season with an oddball cast that definitely didn’t have long awkward exchanges of dialogue and a general inability to act human, HBO executives have decided to embrace the strange with the tentative cast for season 3. “A tedious, puzzling storyline simply isn’t enough anymore, we had to step it up, and goddamnit with this cast we did.” Said Bill Biscane, casting director of True Detective.

“We’ve curated the most eclectic cast imaginable for this, and we have a script that makes a Brief History of Time look like Everybody Poops. Oh and did I mention Randy fucking Jackson is executive producing the whole thing, what could possibly go wrong?” snorted Biscane taking a heavy breath from a rag that reeked of pure gasoline.

The roles are as complex and challenging as ever according to Biscane, with sweeping character arcs and groundbreaking roles that you’ve never seen. Ranging from corrupt, alcoholic cop that smokes tons of cigarettes to an inexplicable, corrupt, alcoholic wizard from the future that smokes a ton of cigarettes, there’s something for everyone here and Biscane is confident he has the cast to execute it.

“Air Bud is a meth head looking for a second chance; Jason Biggs plays a sexy Italian businessman with a dubious past, Zooey is an alcoholic banjo playing mime with a goiter, and Cedrick is an alcoholic astronaut wizard from the future. Cena is a corrupt cop; we didn’t want to get too crazy after all.” hiccupped Biscane.

“We want the gaping plot holes to be accompanied by alien performances. There will be episodes that will make you question if what you’re watching even qualifies as television” continued Biscane now nodding off.

By the looks of it season 3 promises to be slightly less confusing than season 2.

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10 year old child confirms he has taken over as lead writer on True Detective Season 2

If episode 7 (Black Maps and Motel Rooms) of True Detective seemed a bit more scattered than usual, it’s because it was written by a 10 year old child named Terry. “Da twue detective season wasn’t wiving up to the hype,  so I wote in a tonna weally cool stuff to twy and save the season” said Terry speaking through a mouthful of Fruit Loops cereal. “I tought, how awesome would it be if there was like…a undergwound gang of bad guys with guns, and den like…one of em gets shot…and den if Vince Vaughn stawted lighting all dese fiwes and even doe kissing is gwoss, Cowin Fewwal and Wachel McAdams kissed or something, also a buncha cool poisoned lands and some stuff” he continued now running laps around the house farting.

True Detective has had difficulty emulating the intensity of the first season which mesmerized the country and thinks that Terry could be the messiah they’ve been looking for to save this season of the show.  Though only 10, Terry’s teachers have confirmed he has conquered haunting, challenging reads such as Hop on Pop and If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Executives at HBO took notice of Terry when they discovered an essay entitled My Favowite Types of Monsters. They saw the piece as a stunning achievement by a twisted young genius and thought that the evocative tone would fit perfectly in this season of True Detective. “The essay was only 14 words, and contained mostly pictures of Frankenstein holding a variety of weapons and wearing a jetpack, but it was unforgettable and poignant.” Said one HBO executive.

As the season finale nears, no telling what Terry might have up his sleeve next. A heard of T-Rexes with laser beams strapped to their backs? A volcano full of tarantulas? A battle to the death between an army of Frankensteins and Draculas’? Only Terry knows, but we’ll all be watching to find out.

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