How to be a sensitive hardass w/ Vin Diesel

When it comes to being a brooding, wildly misunderstood “sensitive hardass,” Vin Diesel is unrivaled. There may not be another in existence actually. Sure, at times it seems like it’s a robot struggling to learn human emotion and maybe some of his lines are delivered with the vigor and pronunciation of Sylvester Stallone after a swift blow from a sock full of quarters. But it’s that type of uncompromising nonchalance has earned him the right to have a kind of gasoline as his last name. How does one become a ruthless badass while still abiding by a complex moral compass? How can you be the most extreme man on the planet while also basing every single decision on family loyalty? How can you invoke both terror and tears?

Having a shaved head and being the physical manifestation of NOS is a start. Using melted down Stacker 2s as arm butter, wearing a white wife beater to your wedding and living your life a quarter mile at a time are more steps in the right direction. There’s something else though, perhaps more attainable and less questionable that may be the foundation of the bad boy persona. Something that won’t warrant an instant dismissal from your current place of employment or cause you immense sadness looking back on what was otherwise a beautiful wedding. The illusive genesis of being perceived as a threat to everyone around you is none other than…how you drink your beer. Scientists have worked painstakingly to extract this essence, and if you follow the steps below you too can drink beer like Vin Diesel.

  • Drink exclusively Corona and belittle anyone drinking anything else
  • Place thumb behind top of bottle with the rest of the fingers wrapped around the top of the beer, it should feel completely unnatural
  • Hold bottle inches off of the table, and retreat completely inside of yourself
  • Make small loose swirling motions with the bottle, moving the stale beer around in unison with the thoughts in your head
  • Contemplate and cherish the concepts of family, loyalty and lifting for several seconds
  • Glance up slowly from bottle with eyes fixated on nothing in particular, thousands of miles away
  • Recite thoughtful but clever line leaving the person you’re currently talking with dumbfounded
  • Smirk and lift the bottle to your lips, leaving your head completely stationary, your head should not move at all, the bottle can at times be tilted up to 90 degrees to deliver the last few morsels of beer
  • Enjoy the incredibly mediocre beer as the person stands there, in awe of how completely badass and unstable you look

 

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Outraged protesters maintain Brendan Fraser is the one and only Rick O’Connell

Los Angeles, CA-A sea of protesters enveloping the entirety of Los Angeles has officially turned violent according to sources. What was originally thought to be a protest involving either the corrupt nature of our current government administration, extensive gender inequality, institutional racism, or the systematic destruction of our plant, actually turned out to be a demonstration advocating the return of Brenden Frazer to the Mummy franchise.

In what is being called the largest protest ever recorded, nearly a third of the entire country migrated to Los Angeles to advocate the fair treatment of Brendan Fraser. According to protesters, the previously listed issues are trivial at best and generally have no impact on the human race as a whole. Whereas tainting a staple in American history like The Mummy franchise could have lasting emotional and physical effects on the country.

“Just put him back in the damn movie,” said one protester wearing a prosthetic that made his lower half appear like a scorpion. “The other stuff don’t matter, you think we have time to deal with that shit while the glorious name of The Mummy gets tarnished! I voted for Trump to prevent this shit!” he continued adjusting his Bluetooth headset.

As the protests wage on, solace can be found in America’s ability to create a united front against oppressive and imperative issues threatening to derail humanity.

Definitive Disney Channel Original Movie Ranking

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5.) The Thirteenth Year- This movie taught everyone about mermaids and what to look for if you suspect someone in your class may be a mermaid. I know if some kid was decent at swimming at my high school, I would immediately be thinking mermaid…merman. The only thing this movie really brushes over is how heartbreaking it would be to leave all of your friends and family, how terrifying it would be to adapt as another species living exclusively underwater, and how perverse it was that Jess’s dad longed to be with that mermaid so bad. Other than that, perfectly executed film.  Tons of great 90’s hair, and a lot of great gender bending mermaid jokes and water puns. Who knew that Mermaids could conduct electricity!?

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4.) Johnny Tsunami-It’s difficult to get better than a venerable tale of star crossed lovers torn apart by their love of different winter sports. A story, that when done correctly is one of the most thought provoking and endearing endeavors in existence. I wasn’t aware that there was that big of a class disparity between snow boarders and skiers so this movie was a real eye opener for me. Disney isn’t afraid to tackle issues that matter. Throw in a couple of pissed off family members that are strangely brought together by a couple of random kids racing and you’re looking at a true classic.  The mantra “Go big or go home,” surrounded by Hawaiian flowers isn’t tatted on my lower back, but it should be.  The only point of contention here is why Johnny’s grandpa seemed to always inexplicably call him “Porno” or something that sounded like that.

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3.) Luck of the Irish-Simply put, can’t go wrong with late 90’s, early 2000’s Ryan Merriman. An undisputed face on the Mount Rushmore of Disney channel original movies, and possible contender for G.O.A.T. The offensive Irish stereotypes, hilariously tiny mom, and the maudlin singing of This Land Is Your Land at the end which cleansed the city of any lingering bigotry, all contribute to the movie’s greatness. The true importance is found in learning about the trials and tribulations of being a leprechaun in junior high school. We all learned that the past should be revered but not dwelled upon, that sometimes the present is the only time that matters. Also there is no chill in challenging an evil leprechaun to “sports” for your grandpa’s soul and the coin that holds your family’s livelihood. Sometimes it takes more than luck to figure out who you are as a person, thanks for that Disney.

http://youtu.be/3F81sPk0u4o

2.) Brink!-Movies about roller blading are timeless. I’m pretty sure this movie single handedly pioneered the roller blade movement in the United States. We all wanted the X-Bladz gear with the Pup N’ Suds heart. I’m not sure who in their right mind was sponsoring high school students to roller blade but God bless them. Watching this, I realized how cut throat the roller blading underworld was, as Brink’s friends viewed him trying to earn money for his family by skating as an act of betrayal. This movie taught us the valuable lesson that you can’t get paid for doing something you love. Tons of shredding and plenty of Erik von Detten pouting.

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1.) Smart House-The scene above is reason enough to fall in love with this indie classic, but there’s so much more. No chance in hell Disney anticipated making the most provocative and challenging movies of the 20th century. This here is the Bible on artificial intelligence; Terminator doesn’t have shit on SmartHouse. I’m not sure enough gravity is placed on the fact that a house is impersonating an overbearing deceased family member. The thought of that disfigured, spinning Katey Sagal at the end of the movie is far more terrifying then a robot ruled dystopian future. Even though it would cause irreparable damage to your psyche, would 100% still live there for the smoothie machine, kick-butt video screens, and floor that melted stuff. You could also do a lot worse than getting raised by the voice of a borderline B-list star.

Honorable mentions: The Paper Brigade, Alleycat Strike, Zenon Girl of the 21st Century

 

Fast 8 poster leaves absolutely nothing up to mystery

Vin Diesel dropped the Fast 8 poster on his Instagram and I can only imagine the circumstance. This has Vin sitting on the can trying to shake a cement protein snake loose, likely knife hitting a line of NOXPLODE and casually tipping back a Corona written all over it. Furious 7 was by any definition a perfectly executed over the top action flick. A true ode to the absurdity we grew up on, with characters that are more cartoon than human. Needless to say the mundanity of the Fast 8 poster shook me to my core…until I looked closer. On further examination this is by far the most extreme poster to ever exist and it leaves nothing up to mystery.

Those water spots are clearly arm butter repositories where Dom and the crew can get appropriately greased up for slow motion walking scenes. The Furious series as a whole is built on proper arm butter application. You see that shading in the upper right of the poster that appears to be a cloud? If you look closer you can clearly distinguish that it’s thousands of cloned Dom Torettos (Vin Diesel), wearing jetpacks and armed with mini-guns, drag racing around the edge of the city. This shouldn’t be that surprising, as Dom was virtually indestructible last movie, being able to clone himself was a predictable character evolution.

And that glowing red tower? That’s actually the smoldering hot knife of Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham). Who during his escape from a maximum security prison crashed a souped up double decker bus into a vat of radioactive material, causing him to grow into a 100 meter tall monster. How the hell do you stop a knife wielding 100 meter tall monster with a background in special ops? Simple, first use the cloned Dom Torettos to distract it. All the while, having the original Dom convince the crew they need to come out of retirement for one…last…ride. Cue monster trucks with huge spoilers Tokyo drifting around the beast’s ankles until it falls.

Predictably badass.

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Point Break (2015)

Score: XXX%
Rotten Tomatoes: 14%

I entered the theater expecting to leave ugly crying after the ritualistic slaughtering of one of my favorite films of all time. I was wholly anticipating the same pain Utah felt when he blew his knee to spaghetti noodles and negligently unloaded a goddamn full clip directly into the air. The pain never came. Instead I felt my face being bludgeoned by a butt ton of extreme shit. The reimagining of Point Break will concurrently rip your fucking head off and melt your ring piece and anyone who gives a damn about inexplicable plot anomalies, alien dialogue or even a sliver of character development can sit on it.

Rumor has it the actors were placed in hyperbolic chambers before the movie; only able to watch Dragon Ball Z and do lines of Doritos JACKED 3D off of hunting knifes. This movie went back in time and made that 90’s brand No Fear popular. It ghost wrote Nookie by Limp Bizkit and told Gary Busey to order not one but two meatball sandwiches. It was the inspiration behind Jean Claude van Damme’s first splits. Vin Diesel sips his morning extenZ Energy drink to this movie, not because he needs the girth but rather because he enjoys the flavor and the subsequent uncomfortable amount of energy.

Point Break will make man-gazing an official thing. I’m almost positive I’ve never looked into another dudes eyes for more than 5 seconds without at least some spoken word or noise. In this movie there was so much gazing and so much corresponding deafening silence; it was simultaneously exceptionally uncomfortable and beautiful. Plenty of other awkward and endearing bro moments were also present. Like cooking a rustic meal together and holding hands before eating, or placing your hand on the back of another bros neck to make locking foreheads feel more natural. This being in the somewhat rare circumstance you actually find the need to experience conjoining forehead flesh with another person.

The reimagining had a perfect balance of new and old absurdities. A combination of subtle and not so subtle nods to the original that pays homage without being dependent. Bodhi is transformed into a perfectly crafted quasi-hipster d-bag and Tyler is a manic pixie dream girl, but they somehow seem like a natural evolution of the characters. Both pleasantly outrageous and flawlessly acted. Utah has hung up his cleats in turn for a motocross helmet and a shit ton of really bad tattoos, but goddamn there are times when Luke Bracey seems like he could have slid right into the 1991 original.

Hearing those wailing guitar riffs and oddly timed line deliveries took me right back. Having a belly full of an inexplicable combination of Rasberry Shock Tops and Parrot Bay didn’t hurt either. I felt as though I was a rebel in Bodhi’s crew as I courageously battled the urge to vomit in my popcorn bag on several occasions. My own stand against society. My way of giving back. Nothing like stoking the fire of an impending blackout by being completely overwhelmed by endless action sequences. So get a neck tat, grab a bottle of artifically flavored silver rum, butt funnel some Monster and go relish in everything extreme you coward.

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Leaked letter from the writer of The Wedding Ringer to Miramax Films

Below is a letter believed to be from the writer of The Wedding Ringer to Miramax Films:

To whomevverrr it may concert at Miramax Filmz,

I’m drunk. currently. And unmanagebly high. Once the parrot bay runned out. I turnt to huffing Axe body spray and eatingthe pellets out of ant traps because I thought it was my C3PO pez dispenser. I just puked. OH IT STINKS. Staringat my reflecton in this pile of vomit and animal hair I get the best idear for a blockbuster comedy film movie. Get a paunchy nerdy white asshole whodoesna have a frind in ther world. A real FUCKING loser. People WILL laugh if u cann make a character somhow moor pathetic then them. YOU MUST DIG DEEP,  see Mike and Molly and 2 broke girls for example. Not havin friends=FUNNY. Oh godddd iitss coming back up…HUGHHHHHHHHH…when the HELL  did I eat tha mad about you season 5 DVD….thatttt hurt, i hope that red stuff is dorito dust…yepppp it’s dorito dust! GODDAMNIT I JUST LIT THE Q WRONG END OF A CIGARETTE

FIND A POPULAR COMDENIAN NEXT! Preferably SHORT so you can make SHORT JOKES HAHA…comedians ooff average or less than..average height is funny…especially in my state to someone whoo findd a pile of his  own BARF enternaining.  Prefrably a different race ttoo so that theur is confusion about nerdy white people getting marrid but they al l understand and become FRIENDS IN THE END. THAT US KEY, it mustt give the illuzon of salviation

HAVE SOMEONE GET A BOIILING HOT SOUP PAN DUMPED ON THEIR LAP! Having your JUNK maimed by HOT Chickin noodlee soup gets THA LAUGHS! Lots of tacklingg, make sure ANYONE fat gets hit witha two by four…att some point someone old needs to FART haha! Call it somethin with  A PUN likeee…THE WEDDING RINGPIECE…or EVEN BETTER THE WEDDING RINGER! NE WAYZ HAVENTE WIPED MY ASS in 4 dayes shood probably try.

Sinceryeluy yours forever,
SLAMOOO SAMATAYAWXXX INSECT 69!

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Interstellar written in drum circle at Phish Alpine Valley Show

Recent speculation that the script for Interstellar was written by Matthew Mcconaughey and Anne Hathaway during an acid fueled drum circle at a Phish show have been confirmed. The gaping plot holes, relentless endorsement of the goodness in humanity, and obsession with inception space-time continuums wreaked of the tailgate lots outside of a Alpine Valley. A place where 99% of the discussions involve conjectures such as “What if like…there was a universe…on our fingernail…and like…another universe on someone’s fingernail inside that universe….” Mcconaughey signaling Morse Code whilst wading through a visual representation of multiple time dimensions all but confirmed any lingering suspicion.

Hathaway explained that shortly after taking a sheet of blotter acid,  during a 114 minute version of Bathtub Gin, she spoke with someone she believed was Stephen Hawking. A drum circle ensued. “He seemed really smart, he explained the entire plot to Matthew and I telepathically. He was really good at playing drums.” Reports have confirmed that Stephen Hawking was no where near the venue at the time, nor has he ever attended a Phish show, or is aware of Phish’s existence. Witnesses saw Mcconaughey and Hathaway engaged in a lengthy, tear filled stare off with a tan Lincoln Navigator during the same 114 minute version of Bathtub Gin.

 

All Is Lost is the worst movie ever made

All Is Lost
Rating: 15%
Rotten Tomatoes: 93%

Watching All Is Lost is equivalent to listening to the painful laboring of an elderly patron debating whether to leave a 6.5% or 7% tip after promptly finishing “brunch” by 8:30 a.m. at a local pancake house.  Decaf coffee, a bowl of bran flakes with skim milk, several crosswords and one and a half hour later they decide to leave 6% because the waiter seemed like he was madder than a wet hen around the 7th coffee refill. The tip is left in 2 dollar bills with a Werther’s on top.

All Is Lost embodies this prodigious boredom. Watching Robert Redford aimlessly linger around his ship that is lost at sea with absolutely no urgency or purpose is a chore in the truest sense of the word. He may as well have been wading in a lukewarm jacuzzi, enjoying a matinee magic show on a retiree-only cruise ship…touring different stamp collection museums around Florida. At one point a storm rolls in, the prospect of something exciting happening is paralyzing. It stirs you from your half asleep stupor. Then…as with the rest of the movie the momentum is quietly neutralized. Instead of hauling ass around the boat, batting down the hatches, Redford instead sips a glass of whiskey like his morning prune juice and delicately shaves  what appear to be ultra soft and very well maintained grandpa whiskers. He moves with the urgency of a three toed sloth who just ate a handful of Xanaxes and has been given access to an overstuffed couch.

I bet the jeans he was wearing in the movie were cotton and not denim.  Judging by the way he shuffled his feet across the carpeted vessel, he was clearly wearing orthopedic inserts. Maybe those had something to do with the pacing of it all. I struggled about halfway through the movie before succumbing to the crippling boredom. Wiping the cob webs that had somehow gathered on the remote and changing the channel to Frasier re-runs. The idea that this was somehow Oscar nominated is more mind-blowing than the existence of the Flatizza.

Escape Plan

Escape Plan
Rating: 80%
Rotten Tomatoes: 49%

Escape Plan is the true definition of a buddy comedy. The greatest part is the audience isn’t even included on most of the jokes. Both Sly Stallone and Arnold go into full subtitle mode. I would imagine any other actors on the set were completely unaware of when scenes started or ended, they just had to simply wait for the bizarre inaudible exchanges between the two to end. It’s endearing all the same though and most of the times other characters narrate exactly what is happening in both the plot of the movie and the relationship between Arnold and Sly, so it’s relatively easy to follow. The director really did his homework on what it’s like to be in prison, which from what I can tell involves eating lunch, surveying the facilities for weaknesses, and making friends. The whole time it seemed like the movie was self-aware though, that it was essentially a parody which was appreciated.

Two scenes in the movie were absolutely crucial in terms of classic action movie moments. One is when Arnold rips a mounted .50 caliber helicopter gun off of its stand and lays waste to around a hundred nameless henchmen. One would assume the stand is there for stability and to increase accuracy however not in this case. Once wrapped in Arnold’s massive biceps it became deadly accurate and somehow easier to use (judging by the cool expression on Arnold’s face). Literally every single bullet rendered exploded brains everywhere. Another scene involved Sly hanging onto a rope ladder, yoked out of his mind,  taking heat from an AK and not being the least bit phased. Knowing that he couldn’t get a bad-ass looking head shot on the man that had trapped him, he did the next best thing…blow up an enormous stash of conveniently and hastily placed oil drums. The movie could have used a lot more greased up Sly training moments but in this day and age you can’t have it all.

Drinking Buddies

Drinking Buddies
Rating: 5%
Rotten Tomatoes: 85%

Drinking Buddies makes a truly inspired attempt at dethroning Couples Retreat as the worst movie ever created in Chicago. There’s a gorgeous spread of insufferable moments, dialogue and characters that grate, plod and flounder through what seemed to be an eternity in a mundane existence in Chicago.

Several hipster alcoholics exchange what they believe to be quirky one liners and hopelessly flirt with one another. The movie had summer blockbuster written all over it, they should have hired Michael Bay to direct this thing. They really should have. Somehow billed as a comedy I laughed more times watching JAG reruns. Each character is more loathsome than the next, all vying for most annoying Chicago stereotype. The raspy voiced bro-ey party girl that’s just one of the guys. The moody, self gratifying bearded hipster with a Chicago flag tattoo and Old Style trucker hat. Their all there and all severely annoying. It’s a real treat to watch people I actively avoid. Give me a Jimmy Eat World cover band and a bucket of Reds Apple Ale at the lowly Cubby Bear over taking a Malort shot with these dicks. I hate watching actors act drunk it’s as though none of them have ever taken a bottle of Parrot Bay directly to the dome. Someone needs to master the thousand mile vacant stare STAT. I also don’t buy for a minute Olivia Wilde or the guy from office space were drinking Revolution beers, those were almost certainly Miller 64’s.

The portrayal of the hangover itself is vexing. It’s not a hard message to get across. It involves laying on a couch and pinching off eye stingers until you can muster up enough strength to get Chipotle, which generally compounds the war being waged in your stomach and skull. In Drinking Buddies the hangovers are at worst a chipper tickle fight, and they pass in an instant. Not the grueling war of attrition that happens in real life.

One salvageable moment was the accuracy of frustration experienced while moving to a new apartment in Chicago. It was captured perfectly and I found it agreeable watching a meandering doofus take a nail to the hand. I also enjoy drinking Revolution beer which happens to be in the movie. Other than that it’s an unsalvageable pile. Pauly Shore showed a greater character arch in Jury Duty than any of the ones found here. It could not be more uninteresting.