The iPad Fleshlight will destroy the world

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It’s all over. The crumbling of humanity and all it stood for was brief, instantaneous and painless.  The collapse of society wasn’t caused by global warming, disease, zombies, nuclear war or computers becoming self-aware but rather a device that allowed people to bang their iPads. The iPad Fleshlight (an iPad case with a fake vagina extension) is a magnificent achievement in unobstructed depravity.  This heinous creation that will end us all. The moral ramifications are certainly there, given that anyone that would strap this thing onto their iPad and give it a few violent thrusts would also likely have no problem murdering you at the drop of the hat. The mere thought of a post-coitus Skype with the family on the same defiled device is nothing short of vomit inducing.

As sales for this thing increase so does the number of complete psychopaths, wandering the streets sipping Extenze energy drinks. Before we know it these fiends will band together, forming allegiances to different models of iPad Fleshlights. Warring cults sacrificing and worshipping at iPad Fleshlight alters. Bloody and brutal wars will be waged. Everyone will undoubtedly start wearing burlap pants, mesh shirts, hockey masks and have gratuitous piercings. The maintenance of our world is all but forgotten, lost behind the dim glow of whatever smut is playing on the iPad. There will be a barbed wire dome constructed where disputes over adulterous iPad Fleshlights will be settled, a winner take all fight to the death. Shanty towns will become the norm, where toothless, wrinkled men sit in blistering heat, reveling in their own filth, drinking swill and exchanging fond memories of past iPad Fleshlight conquests. People who can’t afford them will sit broken on the road, malnourished and begging desperately for a quick tit ride. Those who choose not to defile their iPad will be persecuted and banished in no such order.

There will be no more children, as the eager iPad Fleshlight willingly harvests any potential seeds. This is the miserable existence we all have to look forward to. This is the future we have created for ourselves. The clock is ticking.

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