Discovery Channel has issued an official apology statement involving “Eaten Alive”, admitting that the previews and build up were misleading given that after two hours of watching all we saw was a mildly aroused man, heavily breathing and rubbing against a snake. No one was ever actually eaten alive. But the network promises they have something new in the works, something very…very real.

Captured Alive will feature Paul Rosolie being captured by a Poké Ball, a device that trainers use to trap rare creatures called Pokemon. “We admit that Eaten Alive was impossible, it was a ratings trap, the possibilities are endless with this new one though. It will be very real…he will be captured.” said Discovery Channel representative Bill Biscane. “Can you imagine scientifically what this might mean for humanity? Discovering…the trials and tribulations of what it’s like to be a Pokemon existing in one of these balls?” he added with a gleam in his eye.

Discovery Channel has hired a 12 year old boy who claims to be a professional Pokemon “trainer” to perform the capture. “I couldn’t imagine being captured by someone more prestigious, he beat Pokemon Red in 12 hours, and he took gorgeous pictures of Snorlax in Pokemon Snap…so we know he’s damn good.” said Paul Rosolie.

The show’s duration is expected to be right at 4 hours.