The popular television network Bravo has finally answered the question that’s held the entire country hostage for the better part of a decade. “How do you create a cultureless vacuum that liquefies brains and bludgeons intellects?” The answer is simple, gasoline. “It’s pretty much a whole lot of good ole fashioned unleaded, though there is a diesel option.” said a grinning Hamilton Cage, representative at Bravo.  “Before all of our shows, we provide a beautiful gasoline buffet for all of our finest stars to sniff,” he continued giddily, barely able to contain his elation.

There’s been speculation that this is the case, as the cast of Vanderpump Rules is often caught drooling while incoherently arguing about who is more hungover. Gasoline is widely known as a PED for reality show stars.

But gasoline isn’t the only thing driving the network’s success. It also takes carefully selected vapid, attention whoring, moral dregs that are more than willing to aimlessly bicker for hours on end. Any personal beliefs should be abandoned if it means an extra morsel of attention. Ideally individuals selected for their own show are as sharp as a marble, and should be only vaguely aware that other people exist on this planet. “When you get someone like that, you need to give them what they need to succeed…and what they need is gasoline. For a show to be successful it should be a mushy, reheated turd regurgitated into the eyes of the consumer.” said Cage patriotically, over a steady plopping sound in a bathroom stall on the Bravo campus.

As popularity grows so will the gasoline spread.