You’re too big of a coward to wear Johnny Depp’s new stink

Hey you. That’s right you. You insignificant little odorless insect. Don’t you realize that not smelling like someone means you smell like no one? And smelling like no one means you smell like everyone…you simple unsophisticated plebian, how could you not realize that? Worry not naïve simpleton, because Johnny Depp is here to pimp his stink all over you.

Have you ever wondered what it smells like to be completely blacked out on fortified wine while playing guitar by yourself in an abandoned warehouse? What about the smell of not knowing a single chord and being unsure of how you acquired the guitar in the first place? Maybe the fury caused by this realization prompts you to buy a 5th of Gordon’s Gin, hastily apply smoky eyeliner and drunk drive into a haunted oil field. Have you ever smelled a haunted oil field? What about the smell of a dead cat that you had buried there 7 months earlier?

All of these smells and more are fully realized in Johnny Depp’s new cologne Sauvage. Sauvage uses a blend of ground up fedoras, scarfs, leather bracelets, discarded Mortdecai DVD’s and Smart Water to achieve a transcendent stench, only detectable by members of the Kardashian family. So slather up with this gamey, decomposing oil and be so cool you never get noticed.

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