In an effort to ease growing concerns amongst the few woeful parents that still allow their children to attend the county fair, carnies are now requiring all ride operators obtain a bachelor’s degree from University of Phoenix online. Fortunately enough the for-profit university will offer a degree in virtually any imaginary focus so long as the tuition are dutifully paid. “I got my official degree in contemporary Tilt A Whirling…with a minor in ancient Gravitron,” said Terry Gillis a ride operator for over a decade, with a hefty debt that he can now pass on to his kids and two degrees as worthless as any.

“The program was really incredible, it taught me how to watch Porn Hub on my Kindle Fire while also operating a poorly constructed carnival ride full of hopeful youth,” continued Gillis looking proudly at his degrees, hung with care in the third Porta Potty to the left of the fried Twinkie stand. The degree focuses mainly on carnival project management techniques, but also delves into early deep fryer theory and gold fish in plastic bag origins. Like every degree out there universally applicable, extremely versatile and a strong foundation for any career.

The online degrees are unfortunately having an opposite effect than intended, raising suspicion and distrust among fair advocates.