Las Vegas, Nevada – Celebrity replica wax museums just ain’t what they used to be. An industry, which was once considered in the same realm of importance as computers in terms of impact shaping the trajectory of humanity, has been dwindling in recent years. The main problem? Sex.

Most people who visit a celebrity doppelgänger wax museum go in with the expectation that it is a freewheeling wax orgy, with the understanding that there will be numerous holes on every poorly made wax sculpture to cram their junk into. Madame Tussauds has resisted drilling glory holes into sculptures ranging from Spencer Pratt to Gary from Teen Mom for years, but with the economy on the brink of another recession, they’ve began the necessary modifications to save the museum.

“Everything in the museum is fully fuckable,” said museum curator Alphonso Knudson. “I think people will be quite delighted to know they can finally fulfill their fantasy of boning a melting wax sculpture of Simon Cowell,” continued Knudson mopping up the previous night’s excess.

The shift will undoubtedly revive the industry and the museum and restore its prominence in the zeitgeist of mankind.