One Tie All Tie

Heartbreaking: Guy Wearing All Birds and Canada Goose Jacket must have Low T

Chicago, IL – The very prideful youngish man wearing freshly minted All Bird shoes and a Canada Goose jacket is battling dwindling testosterone levels. A meticulously researched, overpriced parka paired with heavily advertised merino wool shoes and transcendent sense of entitlement are all classic symptoms of a man unknowingly grappling with the prospect of his testicles disintegrating into oblivion.

These perceived luxury items give him the confidence necessary to disregard basic human decency and serve as a mating peacock for equally insufferable women attracted to moderate wealth. He trots pigeon toed to varying River North bars, lapping up buckets of domestic beers and flogging his dying meat to the uninformed opinions and speculations being perpetuated to groups of similarly bland constituents.

He is vaguely aware that this is one of his last, erections that is, and there is very little hope of continuing on his forgettable legacy. He cries himself to sleep once more knowing that he will be deprived of having children that will grow up to resent him. Something he considers a right and not a privilege. He looks bleary eyed at his Canada Goose Jacket and All Bird shoes and considers his superiority once more.