How to be a sensitive hardass w/ Vin Diesel

When it comes to being a brooding, wildly misunderstood “sensitive hardass,” Vin Diesel is unrivaled. There may not be another in existence actually. Sure, at times it seems like it’s a robot struggling to learn human emotion and maybe some of his lines are delivered with the vigor and pronunciation of Sylvester Stallone after a swift blow from a sock full of quarters. But it’s that type of uncompromising nonchalance has earned him the right to have a kind of gasoline as his last name. How does one become a ruthless badass while still abiding by a complex moral compass? How can you be the most extreme man on the planet while also basing every single decision on family loyalty? How can you invoke both terror and tears?

Having a shaved head and being the physical manifestation of NOS is a start. Using melted down Stacker 2s as arm butter, wearing a white wife beater to your wedding and living your life a quarter mile at a time are more steps in the right direction. There’s something else though, perhaps more attainable and less questionable that may be the foundation of the bad boy persona. Something that won’t warrant an instant dismissal from your current place of employment or cause you immense sadness looking back on what was otherwise a beautiful wedding. The illusive genesis of being perceived as a threat to everyone around you is none other than…how you drink your beer. Scientists have worked painstakingly to extract this essence, and if you follow the steps below you too can drink beer like Vin Diesel.

  • Drink exclusively Corona and belittle anyone drinking anything else
  • Place thumb behind top of bottle with the rest of the fingers wrapped around the top of the beer, it should feel completely unnatural
  • Hold bottle inches off of the table, and retreat completely inside of yourself
  • Make small loose swirling motions with the bottle, moving the stale beer around in unison with the thoughts in your head
  • Contemplate and cherish the concepts of family, loyalty and lifting for several seconds
  • Glance up slowly from bottle with eyes fixated on nothing in particular, thousands of miles away
  • Recite thoughtful but clever line leaving the person you’re currently talking with dumbfounded
  • Smirk and lift the bottle to your lips, leaving your head completely stationary, your head should not move at all, the bottle can at times be tilted up to 90 degrees to deliver the last few morsels of beer
  • Enjoy the incredibly mediocre beer as the person stands there, in awe of how completely badass and unstable you look

 

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