Beware of anyone wearing athletic shades. Though the resentful scowl, crossed arms and clenched can of Michelob Ultra may seem inviting, there may be an ulterior motive hidden beneath those hyper aggressive Oakley frames. A new study has found that 90% of people that regularly wear athletic shades also wear wires used for recording and reporting conversations to varying authorities.

The wire is generally linked directly to the cumbersome cell phone holster that hangs from the pair of athletic fit jeans. Tucked discreetly behind an undersized shirt from a college that was never attended, but inexplicably staunchly supported. Any conversation will likely be suffocated in minutes. As staring into aggressively mirrored lenses and an unchanging face that suggests a vague intolerance of everything except cross fit will trigger a retreat for a fresh beer in no time. Though anything said in that brief, excruciating conversation is 100% being recorded and relayed.

Wire usage has been in decline as more people realize that snitching on friends and family is generally frowned upon by current societal norms and that wearing sunglasses that make you look like an unapproachable, meat head shit bag is similarly questionable.