Week 9 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus
There is nothing in this world that causes more gut rot and heartache than when your opponent’s quarterback throws a touchdown to a receiver owned by that same despicable lout. There’s always a brief moment of denial, as you sheepishly slink into your Yahoo account, thinking that maybe you remembered things differently. What you see is as eye stinging as that stench awakened when you slip on that inconsiderately left dog log lounging in a grass hammock. Just when you thought the indignation had reached its climax, you get a text with something like “hollllyyyyyy” or “Wow, officially transcended football” Your head and ring piece simultaneously erupt and you call it a Sunday.
Quarterbacks Love
Jake Locker
Broken hips galore
Delicate bones increase speed
Grandpa has an arm
Terrel Pryor
Ohio State Grad.
Will get a car if he wins
Just like in college
Aaron Rodgers
Always hung-over
Extra on the Walking-Dead
Zombies can play too
Quarterbacks Hate:
Joe Flacco
Loves the Mighty Wing
Pregame case of bubble guts
The runs cause bad play
Tom Brady
Looks good but plays bad
Like movies with Taylor Kitsch
Do not act again
Michael Vick
Hamstrings are sawdust
Or a spaghetti noodle
A soaked french-fry
Running Backs Love
Danny Woodhead
A tiny white sprite
Is going through puberty
Will become a man
Chris Ivory
Thermal imaging
An elite hunter will rise
All aliens die
Darren Sproles
Pygmy Running back
Galloping across the field
A majestic thing
Running Backs Hate
Deangelo Williams
One cannot score points
Without first getting the ball
Start no one but Cam
Benjarvus Green-Ellis
A sketchy law firm
Worse than that of Saul Goodman
Public Defender
Trent Richardson
If you need one yard
I’ll get you one, you need two?
I’ll still get you one
Wide Receivers Love
T.Y. Hilton
A teammate goes down
Another has stones for hands
It is now his turn
Denarious Moore
An awful defense
Combined with mild talent
Touchdowns will be had
Wide Receivers Hate
Torrey Smith
One does not simply
Score points against Joe Haden
Worse than Sauron’s eye
Danny Amendola
Plays like Greg Oden
Which means doesn’t play at all
A man made of glass
Defense Love
Tennessee
Is Kellen Clemens
An actual real person?
Pick sixes abound
Defense Hate
Carolina
Matty Ice can throw
Falcons will always frighten
Roddy could be back
