After what was assumed to be a restless night, a Fitbit erased any lingering doubt as it gleefully informed its owner he had slept a mere two hours the night before. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure how much I had slept, but thanks to the Fitbit, I can really quantify how bad my day is going to be.” said the downtrodden man as he hastily prepared for work. “I’m absolutely devastated, I can’t believe it was only two hours.” he continued hollowly.

Before the Fitbit we could really only guess how much we’d slept and then convince ourselves that it had been more than it actually was. Now with an actual hour amount we can officially calculate how intolerable the next day will be. A way to measure the magnitude of the impending doom that we are completely and utterly helpless to. This remains one of the most popular functions of the Fitbit; being made fully aware that you’ll be in PowerPoint heavy meetings all day running on fumes and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

“Days that the Fitbit tells me I got enough sleep but I still feel tired are almost more depressing,” said the man “It’s still a truly innovative device that everyone should own however! Knowing your sleep schedule is both insightful and healthy!”

Reporting on sleep isn’t the only feature that opens up a new and exciting world of obsessive neurosis and hyper monitoring. You’ll constantly be kept in the know about how aggressively stationary you are during the day and  you’ll be crucified for not drinking enough water. So instead of actually working out, strap on that Fitbit and nickel and dime your way to an arbitrary step goal!