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Southwest launches new “Wanna sit around” tickets

Southwest Airlines has launched an innovative new ticketing option that is a homebody’s dream! Imagine the thrill of boarding a plane, but without the headache of actually taking off. Sit contentedly and gaze aimlessly at the fresh air mocking you outside the window as you do laps around the runway. Let the recycked air comprised of neglected ringpiece fumes and subhuman morning breath wash over your face and revitalize your being. Looking to rekindle the spark in that deteriorating marriage? The perfect option for old and new couples alike as a strangers ragged breath is an age-old aphrodisiac. So sit back and suffer in silence as the sexual tension rises and falls with the congested chest of the person next to you who is staring unpurposefully into the discolored headrest immediately in front of them.

The breathtaking views of pavement have brought some to tears and the excruciating boredom is said to have healing properties. Embrace the all-consuming panic of your phone battery dying and subsequently being forced to talk to the perspiring gremlin sitting next to you as gnaw on a brick of cheese in soiled Spongebob pajama pants. Nothing makes you feel alive like the prospect of an insufferable social engagement with an insect who is both wearing cartoon pajamas and has a disturbing reliance on cheese.

Listen for pilot updates and furiously dissect every word, then get into fistfights with other passengers as the frenzy of being helplessly trapped on a plane grows and inner demons are revealed. The sheephish attempts at humor by the flight attendants will invoke the existential crisis you’ve always wanted! Adrenaline junkie? Experience unrivaled exhiliration as the plane perpetually picks up steam before slowing and eventually coming to a complete stand still. The numbness in your lower back and uncontrollable sobbing are just your body’s way of telling you it’s having a good time.

So get ready for the staycation you deserve! Buy Southwest “Wanna Sit Around” tickets today! Some fees may apply and Southwest reserves the right to upgrade you to “Wanna Sit Around” on any given flight.