Reimagining something that was effectively a pillar of innocence and blissful ignorance from your childhood, with your now demoralized and completely beaten down adult brain, is an incredible idea. Literally nothing could go wrong, why not resurrect those memories and birth them again in a culture full of intolerance and outrage? We’ve all seen them plaguing our Facebook and Twitter feeds, clogging up the already useless feed with an immovable protein log of irrelevance. Disney princesses reimagined as hipsters, Disney princesses reimagined as business women, Disney princesses reimagined as the Spice Girls, Disney Princesses reimagined as the members of Nickelback.
Reimagining means reheated. Cooked to a disheartening lukewarm temperature with an ice cold center. Why create a new character when one from several decades prior can be warmed to life like a stale garlic knot in a Sbarros microwave?
That’s why I’m so excited about Disney princesses reimagined as nutria. The latest rendering is perhaps the best representation of the current state of our country and the world as a whole. With Trump’s potential presidential win, super viruses and universal unchecked intolerance and brutality, nutria was the logical evolution for Disney princesses.
Snow White: This nutria really captures the spirit of Snow White, though it could probably eat a poisoned rotten apple from an old hag and be completely unscathed by it.
Ariel: When this rat wrestles a half dead fish into its soiled newspaper nest it almost appears as though it is a mermaid in the right light.
Rapunzel: Needless to say the flowing, coarse strands of steel wool have been lowered from this rat’s butthole to pull up compatriots for a late night nosh on scrambled eggs and hot dog parts. I wonder if a jealous raccoon will chop off this rat tail like Dame Gothel did.
Jasmine: Ohh! That urine soaked cardboard box covered in old bandages looks like the perfect magic carpet for a romantic tour of the dimly lit alley!