One Tie All Tie

Trump drawing up plans for human centipede to protect America’s borders

Yankee Candle, Mall of America, Bloomington MN-During Donald Trump’s bi-weekly meeting of industry experts, which includes the likes of Spencer Pratt, Pitbull, Brecken Meyer, and Kevin James and alternates in location between Gadzooks and Yankee Candle, something was suggested that could potentially save the country. As the Yankee candles dwindled and the nitrous tank had filled its last balloon, a moment of clarity hit Donald. Maybe it was the considerable balloon filled to the brim with nitrous he had just huffed or the glue the group had been routinely sniffing for the entirety of the meeting, either way Donald had something. A cost effective and extremely efficient way to protect our borders while also creating jobs for this great country.

“The wall idea was so dumb, so shortsighted. What we need is something dynamic, a human centipede that spans from ocean to ocean, mile after mile of sewn human flesh is the only way to protect ourselves,” said Trump exhaling a monster load of nitrous through pursed blue lips. He then proceeded on an incomprehensible rant about the centipede being a cash cow for advertisers and the actual segments of the centipede being paid a damn fare wage. Kevin James farted. Pitbull quietly mumbled “Dale” in somber agreement.

“When I talked about law and order, this is what I meant, I’m talking about Ice-T chasing people down on the (h)ugest human centipede this world has ever seen,” continued Trump gazing into Pitbull’s glistening head like a crystal ball.

The experts had spoken. The human centipede shall offer redemption to all who worship at it’s unholy alter.