“Hey any chance you can help me move this weekend?” The sting is immediate, poignant and unrelenting. The atrophy on your soul is palpable. Words that can ruin a day faster than a sparsely attended funeral. The soul crushing text we’ve all received at some point or another. “It would be a big help and I’ll provide pizza and beer!” The exclamation point a sneering punch to the gut. Now your trapped, maybe they’ve already staked out that you’re going to be around this weekend. Maybe they’ve made the time they need help so obscure that you couldn’t possibly worm your way out of it. Or maybe they use the age old tradition of Irish Catholic guilt and strong arm you into doing their bidding, either way you’re helping them move. “Sounds good,” you write back begrudginly, just now noticing that you’ve shattered the pint glass in your hand that you’ve been holding.
Nothing better than the equivalent of $11 USD for an entire day of back breaking labor. Knowing that the room temp pizza will do nothing to remedy your slipped disk or jammed fingers will create enough resentment to last a lifetime. But wait! There’s domestic beer too? Well that changes everything! Having a couple of domestic beers that cost 49 cents total makes the 7 hours flushed down the toilet on a beautiful Saturday totally worth it. Very cost effective! Maybe if I can get drunk enough the swelling on my big toe, that you accidentally dropped a dresser on, will magically vanish. Yep, using my back to single handedly manhandle that armoir won’t effect me at all in 10 years and moving that armoir is something to be proud of…something to share with the kids. But it’s not just the memories…let’s not forget you’re receiving the ultimate form of earthly indulgence…Dominos and PBR.
So let that spine have it! Carry enormous pieces of furniture hastily up the stairs risking severe long term injury! Get into yelling matches with friends that make things awkward for several months after the fact. And by god…be sure to enjoy the grand prize of beer and pizza because goddamnit…you earned it.