One Tie All Tie

Bobby Flay finally changing name to Bobby Filet

Mesa Grill, Las Vegas-The stand-off is officially over. Many expected the change years ago, but foolish pride had gotten in the way. Now with ratings plummeting and an audience that has grown accustomed to watching Guy Fieri attempt to wipe his ass with a fistful of pulled pork, Bobby Flay will finally fulfill the simpleminded desires of a nation.

The key to ratings is relatability, which Flay currently lacks. Having a real name, showing an aptitude for cooking, and not being in constant state of severe perspiration, are all mechanisms for displaying a superiority to the common viewer. Having visible heart palpitations, while your forehead glistens like a newborn lamb as you wrestle with a trash can full of Italian beef is seen as highly relatable. With this in mind, Bobby Flay has legally changed his name to Bobby “The Steak Dude” FiletTM.

Armed with an idiotic steak hat and a super soaker full of A1 Steak Sauce, FiletTM has several new shows coming to the Cooking network. “Meat or nah?” is a show in which Filet fires a t-shirt gun full of a mystery substance into the face of a blindfolded contestant, they must determine if the substance was meat or not before the timer runs out and they’re forced to butt funnel a 72 oz. ribeye!

“Vodka Sirloin” is a program in which FiletTM travels around the country and disregards various specialty menu items to order and consume a sirloin slathered in well-vodka. With new catch phrases like “Steaktown U.S.A,” “Make America Steak Again,” “X-X-X-X-X-XTRA M-M-M-M-EDIUM” and “Woops I just blew my…signature A1 sauce on that knuckle steak!,” Bobby Filet TM has become the insufferable cartoon we all wanted.