Sandals Resort opens Pacific Trash Vortex location

In an effort to capture the current climate of humanity, Sandals Resort has opened an all-inclusive resort located in the floating mass of assorted trash just off the coast of California. Resort guests can look forward to the same cultureless void that Sandals traditionally offers in other countries, but this time they’ll be on an island of garbage in which the only culture is a singular budget friendly couple’s resort. Instead of walking on white sand in a pair of linen pants guests will get to feel a mixture of steaming hot sewage crawl through their toes as it breaches their economy hazmat suit.

Wading around in human filth in a shoddy hazmat suit while you struggle for consciousness is just one of the many activities at the new Sandals location. Guests will also be treated to the resident Jimmy Buffet Caribbean cover band “Breeze’n,” a group of ex-convicts that have been living against their will on the island and have learned to play the song Margaritaville using seagull carcasses and DVD cases. Don’t forget to tip!

And let’s not forget about the crowning achievement…the group snorkeling trip. The trip is led by Thomas Jane, the guy who seemed pretty good at snorkeling in Deep Blue Sea and still holds a massive vendetta against all underwater life. Guests will explore the sprawling rat ecosystem that has arisen underneath the trash vortex. Swim amongst thousands of enchanting nests and schools of swimming rats who have inexplicably developed gills and human intelligence. And of course, witnessing Thomas Jane slaughter hordes of rats in the most violent ways imaginable.

Close out the day by laying in the smoldering sun and guzzling discarded Boones Farm swill out of a mop bucket. All at a fraction of the cost of other resorts! So why wait…put that spark back in your relationship today…with a species of evolved rats in a garbage patch on the sun!

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