The signs at the gym that claim to offer memberships as low as $5/month are some of the most mysterious signs in existence. They almost seem ominous, well not really almost, they are extremely ominous and often shrouded in a horrible web of deceit for that matter. Given that cancelling your membership involves several pieces of certified mail, a fight to the death with the gym manager and sacrificing your first-born child, what stipulations could possibly cause membership rates to be that severely discounted?

A former gym employee who has chosen to remain anonymous confirmed that not only is the contract a literal blood oath, but it also requires an elaborate ancient ceremony ripe with chanting, plague doctor masks, candles and pre-workout supplement fueled orgies. No wonder bench felt more slippery than usual yesterday…was that a glory hole crudely carved into a 50lb dumbbell?

If a ceremony that makes the Illuminati look like the Mickey Mouse Club wasn’t enough, some of the more alarming aspects of the fine print within the perverse and bizarre contract are outlined below.

1. Must live within the confines of the gym for no less than 10 years, or until 10,000 memberships are sold. Leaving the premises or contacting anyone from the outside world, especially family, is strictly forbidden
2. Member is afforded a singular locker that will function as living/sleeping quarters
3. Must exist exclusively on Stacker 2 and No-Xplode, veins will become ropes and complexion will become jaundice
4. Working out is forbidden until ten years has passed, at which point a 5 year probationary period starts in which you are only allowed to do leg days
5. Member will have perpetual athletes foot from 10 years of questionable showering conditions
6. Trimming of finger and toenails strictly forbidden
7. Must use tanning beds for a minimum of 4 hours a day, and religiously use Britney Spears signature tanning oil
8. Must repair all clogged toilets using a 5lb dumbbell

The slightest deviation from any rule is seen as a breach of contract and will require you to live out the remainder of your miserable existence in the gym.