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A n00b’s guide to ordering at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

By rule I don’t eat at any restaurant that doesn’t also have a presence in Fort Lauderdale, Cancun and or Mall of America. If there’s only one of a restaurant it’s because it’s not good enough to have more. If you can survive the black hole between Spencer’s Gifts and Gadzooks, than goddamnit, you can make it anywhere.

As is the case with Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. You think a culturally void restaurant franchise based off of a movie from 1994 got to where it was by locally sourcing ingredients or worrying about the relevance of Forrest Gump decades later? Fuck no. It got where it is by strong arming the movie Forrest Gump back into relevancy and giving people the perception that they’ve graduated from T.G.I. Fridays.

You go to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. for the rustic southern atmosphere, the Forrest Gump replica memorabilia and to avoid conversations with family members by staring blankly at the loop of Forrest Gump playing on one of the thousand flat screen TVs. Most of these restaurants appear completely deserted, occupied only by a disheartened host or hostess touting a sheepish smile. Most people are too scared to enter, either because they haven’t brushed up on their Forrest Gump trivia (idiots) or because they feel uncomfortable when the host/hostess is forced to play guitar nude in front of the restaurant…just like Jenny. Nothing like biting into a steaming hot, garlic jumbo shrimp the size of your head and watching a painstaking guitar performance as scolding hot butter drips down your chin! Mm hmm! Yum!

But fear not! This list of handy tips and tricks will have you ordering like a clueless tourist in no time!

  1. Load up on over-embroidered, oversized Bubba Gump Co. t-shirts. Every family member should be wearing it tucked snuggly into their jeans. There should be tremendous bunching right at the crotch that causes a perpetual state of adjustment for the entire meal. After the purchase look for dad to stare perplexed and enraged at the receipt wondering how 5 shirts could cost $200.For extra fun, buy a trucker hat or visor and turn upside down or sideways, the wait staff loves it! You didn’t hear it from me…you may even get a free shrimp tail!
  2. Be sure to leer and mockingly scream Run Forrest Run! At the disgruntled wait staff as they wearily traverse the slick floor with a massive tray of loose shrimp and novelty cocktails. As a fun prank yell Stop Forrest Stop! To get them to look at you right before you break into a giggling fit with the rest of the family. A story that you can tell your kids to truly portray that you were just as big of an asshole then as you are now!
  3. Indulge in hilariously named dishes and cocktails like; Lt. Dan’s Drunken Shrimp and Lt. Dan’s Pomegranate Punch, which transform depressing alcoholism into charming novelty cocktails and unexceptional seafood!
  4. Most importantly…reminisce and create new Forrest Gump memories with family and friends. The foundation to any great relationship is the movie Forrest Gump. So tear into a couple of shrimp that haven’t sniffed a deveiner and create memories of watching the movie Forrest Gump that will last a lifetime.