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Trendy startup creates new device that will make you even more inactive at work

A trendy little boutique startup has created a game-changing device that could disrupt the way you work forever, or at least until the next trend comes around and renders it obsolete. Though promoting an active work environment has been all the rage, experts have found that moving around at work actually greatly decreases efficiency. Employees are at their best when sitting completely motionless at their desk in a state of mild paralysis. To achieve such a daunting feat the startup iStationary created the device DeskBuddy that has an accompanying app.

DeskBuddy is 900 lb. squat rack that each employee is strapped into with a complex set of hooks and harnesses at the start of every day. The locking system makes it virtually impossible to detach from DeskBuddy until 5:00 p.m. Though employees are still encouraged to move around at will, they do inherit the risk of severe long term injury from the impossibly heavy squat bar. And with the interactive app, employees can monitor just how long they’ve been completely immobile and have friendly competitions with coworkers for who has remained motionless the longest…can anyone say team building?

The DeskBuddy will expedite the transition from semi-active employee to humanoid blob responsible only for creating and distributing physical and digital waste. Be prepared for the device to rise in popularity for several weeks before being made extinct by the next ineffective office trend, cast into a neglected corporate graveyard next to the rotting corpse of the open office floor plan.