Chicago, IL-A man wearing newly minted luxury workout gear, a visor and athletic shades was seen absolutely giving it to an elliptical machine late last Thursday. He remained on the machine for hours as onlookers stared on in horror at the flailing mass of limbs, his legs moving so quickly at times that they slipped from the idiotic looking foot holders of the elliptical, which was set at a zero resistance setting. His agonized face searching for absolutely anyone to make eye contact with. So that he could, without bothersome words, express juts how hard he was giving it to that elliptical machine.

Sweat poured down as the man performed classic elliptical tricks like stopping and going in reverse and standing on one foot while using only his arms to propel himself, all universally understood to be completely ineffective at actually burning calories. All designed to look as frisky as humanely possible.

The neon yellow tank top, oversized Beats by Dre wireless headphones and long tights underneath running shorts all contributed to the intensity of fitness illusion, as each horribly executed revolution of the elliptical inched his knee closer to a career ending blowout. As he finally climbed off the machine that he had driven into the ground for the last two and a half hours, he looked back in satisfaction, neglecting to wipe the pool of sweat that had gathered on the monitor.

58 calories burned in two and a half hours, time well spent under the fluorescent lights of an XSPORT Fitness.